Yesterday, Miles Mikolas faced off with Paul Skenes, but luckily they kept their faces on. This game was mano a mano. Mustachio a mustachio. A Mikolaskenes. A uniting of hair lips to create one great hair lip that Europeans want to vacation at in August. The fusion of musk. A man-made alloy, Mustachium. It was a fun start to watch. Paul Skenes (6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.43) is so good, but he was upstaged by his opponent: Miles Mikolas (7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.85). Mikolas’s peripherals look like he should be better going forward, if he’s out there in your league. Maybe Mikolas was shaving it for later. Keeping a little in the tank. His secret ‘stache. Better shave than sorry. Okay, I’ll stop now. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nolan Gorman – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .223. Can’t believe I dropped him in my RCL. Not a great move, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it).
Ben Brown – Hit the IL with a left neck strain. Was everyone aware that he had two necks?
Christopher Morel – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .208. Morel might’ve heard the footsteps. Those aren’t truffle hunters, they’re coming for his job if he can’t hit better.
Hector Neris – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.01. That was a long overdue blow up, and he’s due for about six more. He’s been so due for a blow up, I have him in one league, and I’ve benched him since like the 2nd week he was the closer.
Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.09 vs. Zach Eflin – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.06. This matchup was billed as: [holding index card to head] “Throwing away a box of cannolis.” [opens envelope and reads index card inside] “Eflin a Taillon.”
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in the last week. Stretching here for a schmotato, which is dangerous with Lowe. Stretch too much and he’s hurting his back again.
Drew Thorpe – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (2 BBs), 4 Ks in his first major league start. Here’s what I said the other day, “Itch put him in his top 50 prospects saying, “The 61st overall pick in 2022, Thorpe broke out in 2023, posting an elite 24.6 percent strikeout-minus-walk rate in 109 innings at High-A then a preposterous 35.5 percent (and 0.60 WHIP) in 30 innings at Double-A. Thorpe explained his development in a story on mlb.com, ‘They don’t chase much out of the zone, so you’ve got to pitch in the zone more,’ Thorpe said. ‘Going in, I was just seeing what I could get miss-wise inside the zone versus out of the zone. Trying to compete with myself a little bit more. Obviously they’re better hitters; they’re not going to chase as much as they normally would in High-A, and Itch is right Grey sucks.’” Oh c’mon! Thorpe said that? Due to his elite command, I’m willing to give Thorpe a chance in all leagues. The shallower the league, the more it’s about matchups.” And that’s me quoting me and Itch!
Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer this week. I regret saying this already, but hot schmotato.
Paul DeJong – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer in four games, and third time I’m telling you Colonel Mustard is freakin’ hot, and not just for Mrs. Peacock.
Ryne Stanek – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 5th save, ERA at 4.21. Supposedly, Munoz is healthy. Flashing lights around the word “supposedly.”
Bryan Woo – Went for an MRI on his arm. What’s the opposite of Woo? Boo? That’s this.
J.T. Realmuto – Hit the IL, and will undergo right knee meniscectomy surgery. Bad news if you were hoping on a catcher saving your fantasy team, and catching you up in categories. Good news is your dreams were squashed by Jerry Tomato, so now you have ketchup. Phils called up Rafael Marchan, their top catcher prospect. Aw sookie! [looks at his stats] Uh, he has 10 homers in the minors — since 2016! Howling in laughter. Oh, his hitting outside of power hasn’t been very good either. He’s hitting .219 in Triple-A this year. He’s been in Triple-A since 2021! Does he need help securing his chest protector properly? Because he’s a giant bust.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4 and his 12th and 13th homer. Done wishing for Schwarber to be moved to the five-hole. Does it make any sense he’s hitting leadoff? No, not at all, but it’s never changing. Worst a guy hits for average, the higher he moves up in the Phils’ lineup. Castellanos? 0-for-4, hitting .211, and now hitting 2nd.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.16. Wheeler continues to roll towards a Cy Young.
Masataka Yoshida – 0-for-2 as he returned from the IL. Wonder if he’ll be a solid buy low. He might not be a top 20 OF, but he’s not as bad as he showed pre-injury.
Kutter Crawford – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.47. You know you have a terrible matchup (he was vs. the Phils) when you’re celebrating unearned runs (he had two).
Carlos Rodriguez – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, as he was called up by the Brewers. In his Brewers top prospect list, Itch said, “Another deceptive off-speed expert at six-feet tall, Rodriguez figures to be part of the team’s plans in 2024 after pitching 123.2 innings at Double-A and finishing up with a 4.2 innings start in Triple-A. His 2.77 ERA and 1.09 WHIP against mostly older players in Double-A is a bit much to expect at the highest level from peak Rodriguez, statistically speaking, but he’s an underrated prospect in fantasy circles who I think will beat the book, so to speak, if given the chance. And if I’m given a chance, I’d like to beat Grey.” Oh c’mon! Brewers always make heroes out of pitching prospect zeroes, but his command has been awful in the minors this year, so I’m hesitant to get in on the Car-Rod.
Louie Varland – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.06, as he was recalled. Sure, his ERA looks awful, but that’s from a Struggle Bus sesh early on. If he’s fixed, he should replace Ober in the rotation. Should, not will. This was a spot start.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-34, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .230. Well, sure, he’s never on the field–Hold on, this was his 48th game? He’s on pace for 12 homers? Buxton is looking to be the counter to everyone who is like, “Grady Sizemore would’ve been great if he stayed healthy.” Are you sure about that? Have you seen Buxton?
Ezequiel Tovar – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .292. Saw he homered twice on Saturday and I looked up on the Player Rater where he was, and he’s above CJ Abrams for SS, and top 50 overall.
Ryan McMahon – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. He’s been better on the road, and the Rockies have more homers on the road this year. Zoinks! Okay, they’ve played more games on the road, but still.
Edwin Diaz – Will return on Thursday. I’m sure he’ll be 00% fixed. Sorry, my “one” key is working but for some reason my keyboard refuses to let me say he’ll be one hund–Ugh, sorry.
Francisco Alvarez – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Ya mean I can finally remove Christian Bethancourt from my lineup? Oh happy day for me!
Jesus Luzardo – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.11 vs. Tylor Megill – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.16. What do you get when you have a Marlins/Mess matchup? A Luzardo/Megill. Also, the ball is so dead. Neither guy had anything going last night and their lines look way better than they should.
Brady Singer – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.30. I don’t have him, so I would love to dance on the graves of his owners with cackles of regression, but this was vs. the Yanks, so he was likely benched anyway. That’s the thing about end-of-season ERAs too, did you really start them for all those starts? Never.
Marcus Stroman – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.82. Stroman almost let this game completely get away from him like a cereal box that’s five-feet ten-inches off the ground.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .309. At the end of April, glad I didn’t trade Aaron Judge for all 28 Luis Garcias.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Makes me want to snuggle into my beanbag I’ve dressed with a game-worn Giancarlo jersey.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (16) and legs (15). Hopefully he banged the over, because the Dodgers exploded for a bunch of runs. Dodgers have so many weapons. If it’s not Ohtani, it’s Freddie Freeman (3-for-4, 3 runs, 9th homer) or Teoscar (1-for-3, 2 RBIs, 17th hoemr) or Will Smith (3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, 10th homer). Bunch of Bad Boys. Sorry, going to Iowa, because I’m dealing out the corn!
Tyler Soderstrom – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Jurickson Profar – Left the game after his knee gave out on him. Oh no no no no no. I Profar anyone but him!
Ronel Blanco – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.67. Someone had a break-through in science for a new sticky!
Joey Loperfido – Sent down because I just FAAB’d him this weekend. Excellent. Well done. Make sure Chas McCormick keeps getting at-bats with his .210 average and zero power. Literally zero power! He has zero homers! Okay, I’m annoyed. Moving on.
Jordan Hicks – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.01. Breadcrumbs are leading him to be a 4-ish ERA pitcher, and slowly he’s making his way there.
Christian Encarnacion-Strand – Sounds headed for wrist surgery. Last CES wrist injury this bad was someone trying to break the Donkey Kong world record.
Triston McKenzie – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.10. Not to be a hater of the underfed, but I don’t like Skinny-as-a-Triscuit McKenzie’s peripherals and wouldn’t touch him.
Josh Naylor – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Would I like him to hit for a higher average? Yes. Am I also okay with him hitting .235 and 40+ homers? Yes.
Albert Suarez – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.61. I streamed him, not so much what the Streamonator said, but because he has a 1.61 ERA! I get it, there’s a lot of options out there, but a 1.61 ERA sitting on waivers? Also, since April 27th, the Braves are dead last in OPS with .638. Also also also, have you seen Austin Riley or Matt Olson swing recently?
Kenta Maeda – 4 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.89. Hey, if you think this is a positive start from Maeda, may I ask you if you get compliments on the marbles in your head?
Javier Baez – Hit the IL with “how many years is this contract? Because I think we might have a dud here. Do you have a ‘Dud or Stud’ detector?”
Jordan Montgomery – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.58. Where’s he at with his rehab starts? Is this like the 2nd week of Spring Training for him yet?
Randal Grichuk – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a home run. He was a single short of the cycle. He’s hitting .320. How many homers does he have? Two. Those offseason hitting lessons with Arraez paid off.
Taylor Ward – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and removed with lower back tightness. He had two hits in June before yesterday, and no multi-hit games dating back to May 20th. Hopefully, Ward’s back, uh, has returned and is healthy, because he couldn’t be much worse. I kid, of course he can. There’s seven examples of how much worse he can be in the Angels’ lineup alone.
Keston Hiura – Signed by the Angels. With Hiura, Willie Calhoun, Cole Tucker and Kevin Pillar as the heart of the Angels’ lineup, they should acquire Cavan Biggio and whoever else is DFA’d. They should also consider changing city names again. How about the Anahmm Angels?
