Carmen Mlodzinski optioned to the minors, and the Pirates called up Mike Burrows, which is a bizarre way to spell Bubba Chandler. MLB teams are so goofy with how they don’t promote their best players. Can you imagine any other sport being like this? “He’s our best running back, so he’s going to spend a year in the minors.” “You’d love to see that point guard lead this team? So, would we in 2028!” “Check out how this guy does ice skating with a puck (I don’t even know what hockey players are called). He’s the best ice skater with a puck, right? We think so too, so he’s gonna be doing it in the minor leagues for three years!” There was a report that the Pirates weren’t in the market to trade Skenes, they were building around him. Oh really? By signing Tommy Pham? Ridiculous. Oh, the Pirates tied the modern-era record yesterday by scoring four runs or fewer in 26 consecutive games. Great stuff all around. Any hoo! Mike Burrows is not terrible in his own right, 11.4 K/9, 3.1 BB/9, 3.82 xFIP in 32 1/3 IP, but the command is ugly enough where I’d be careful in mixed leagues. He’s mostly slider and change without that sexy eh-eff fastball. He’s definitely no Bubba Chandler! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jared Jones – Will undergo elbow surgery. That sucks, but he’ll be back in 10-12 months, or before we see Bubba Chandler.
Andrew Heaney – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Got too cute and benched Heaney in one league where I have him for Shane Smith. Number one pitfall all fantasy baseballers fall into is “being too cute,” second most popular pitfall is “thinking other people care about their fantasy teams.”
Dennis Santana – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.77 saved this one, after Bednar saved Tuesday. A true timeshare, like the one your parents had in Puerto Vallerta that they traded one year for to be in Aruba and you went there and got kidnapped. Wait, I might be thinking of Natalee Holloway.
Brady Singer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.88. Streamonator hates Singer’s next one like it’s a judge on The Voice.
Max Meyer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Has the prettiest peripherals you’ll ever see. Just immaculate. Like Madonna’s 1990 Word Tour. Does that mean everything? No, but if you can acquire Meyer, it’s not a terrible idea.
Cade Horton – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.40, in 92 pitches. I’d like to see the only requirement for a pitcher to get drafted by an MLB team is they can get to the 7th inning if they throw 90 pitches. You don’t need to do a Maddux, I don’t need to see complete games. Just get to the 7th. You don’t even need to get an out in the 7th. Just get through the gee-dee sixth inning.
Daniel Palencia – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.16, and his 1st save, after he attempted the previous one and blew it. That makes him the closer now. What’s that? Did I see how he converted this save? Yes, let’s not talk about that.
Kyle Tucker – 3-for-4 and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Tucker’s gonna need his own Brink’s truck after this season.
Carlos Santana – 3-for-7, 4 runs and his 5th and 6th homer. Oh wow, I forgot the Guardians and Twins still played baseball.
Gavin Williams – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.94. His walk rate is so bad. Audience refrain, “How bad is his walk rate?!” The only guy who walks less is on My 600-Pound Life.
Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.68. What was he doing following Ober when there was another game right after? Does this makes sense to anyone? Keep guys on schedule? An extra day of rest is that bad for Chris Paddack (5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.98)? Swear I could manage some of these teams better.
Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-5, and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. I called him a schmotato yesterday, but I must offer a retraction. I don’t think he’s rostered in few enough leagues to get the schmotato tag. There’s no official cut-off for the schmotato tag, but it should be a guy readily available, and he’s not. This shizz keeps me up at night!
Chad Patrick – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.23. I’m just glad Misiorowski wasn’t called up (it’s reverse psychology, shush yo’ fuss).
Adley Rutschman – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .213. Damn, he was worth the top 100 overall draft pick in your league. Good call. Nice work by your brains.
Tomoyuki Sugano – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Ks are only one category, but his Ks are so hilariously bad they give me giggle-fits. His K/9 is under 5! Josh Hader has the same number of Ks as him. Sugano has 52 2/3 IP, Hader has 21!
Tylor Megill – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Hey, man, go easy on the strikeouts, would ya? Trying to keep you in the game for a win. Look at Sugano and do half. Do a Tomo Suga.
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5 and a slam (10) and double legs (8, 9), hitting .283. Man, I wish I had a 1st rounder that just turned it on, rather than Gunnar who’s doing doodies in his diapers.
Garrett Crochet – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.98. He struck out Soto three times, twice just looking at each pitch, which I respect. It’s like when you’re at a job where the boss is giving you crap about “hustling” and you’re like, “Okay, I will hustle, but I just won’t swing to have to hustle.” Only you’re getting paid $765 million in this scenario. It’s actually not like your job at all.
Nathan Lukes – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Lukes, you are my waiver wire fodder? Nah, not really. This was his first hit since that homer last week.
Daulton Varsho – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. That’s in 16 games. Just thought you should know.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Because y’all clamoring for the info! “Ooh, Grey, handsome online person, give me the info!” I hear ya! Gausman is pitching slightly better than his ERA suggests and is showing incredible command, which is a big plus. He’s not pitching like an ace, if that’s what you were wondering.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (8) and legs (8). Look who got OCD!
Trea Turner – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (11). About time Treat Urner was less woof and more dawg.
Nick Kurtz – 2-for-5 and his 3rd and 4th homer. Are you going to tell me he wasn’t washed after two weeks in the majors? He wasn’t completely finished? He was not the. Dot dot dot. Wurtz?
Lawrence Butler – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (8). Drafted him for what he did in the 2nd half last year. Let that start now! Please!
Logan O’Hoppe – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. Playing in Bing Bong Stadium and the balls go Bing Bong.
Zach Neto – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (8), 2nd homer in four games. It feels like we’re here every night talking about Neto doing something great. He’s played about half as many games as everyone else, and he’s nearing top 10 at shortstop on the Player Rater.
Jo Adell – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. He must’ve felt at home in a minor league park.
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .307. He missed time and he’s still on pace for 120 RBIs and 35 HRs. Teoscar is now slouch.
Dustin May – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Heard recently that he missed last year because he need surgery on his throat, because he got a piece of lettuce stuck. Thought I’d pass that along in case anyone needs an excuse to not eat salad.
Ketel Marte – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Ketel Skelter! [makes devil horns with fingers]
Corbin Burnes – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.73. With how he’s pitching recently, he should’ve hurt his shoulder a while ago.
Ryan Yarbrough – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Of course, the Yanks are getting something out of him. If I were the Yanks, I’d be like, “Cheat to be on our team, and if you’re successful doing a ‘cheat-a-roo,’ then we will let you stay with us, and we will pay you gobs of money.”
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, 3rd homer in four games. Ever think about how his name is so close to Bellringer? Hmm, maybe it’s me.
Jasson Dominguez– 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. That it was a walk-off likely means nothing, but a little confidence in him from the team and in himself can’t hurt.
Jake Burger – 3-for-4, and a double slam (5, 6) and legs (1), 3rd homer since he returned from the minors last week, and 2nd homer since I gave you my Friday Buy column about him.
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.33. His last five starts: 31 IP, 36 Ks, 1.45 ERA, 0.81 WHIP and healthy. The last point the most important. By the way, as soon as he left the game, I knew he wasn’t getting the win. Now, it can seem like hindsight, but I promise you. Everything I know of deGrom was telling me there’s no way he wins.
Sam Haggerty – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. Is that Yosemite Sam Haggerty? I know it’s not, but is it? Gosh, I haven’t seen him in some time. Thought he gave up baseball to raise alpacas.
Lenyn Sosa – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Launch angle on his homer was 43. It looked like he was using a driver. He hit the ball and the ball, and this is a technical term, loopity-looped. First time I’ve seen a real-life loopity-loop. An incredible feat.
Joshua Palacios – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Joshua should be saying 100% of the time, “I’m sorry, I’m not my brother, Dick Palace.”
Tim Elko – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. That’s on only 10 games. Shame he can’t make any contact otherwise, or walk. A two true outcome.
Shane Smith – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at…Guess. You know he’s on the White Sux. You know you’d ignore Streamonator even if it suggested him. So, guess! Bzzt, wrongo! It’s a 2.36 ERA.
Logan Evans – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.33. George Kirby’s returning today, so. Dot dot dot. I’m not sure that matters for Evans’s rotation spot, but, outside of AL-Only, I’m not sure you should care.
Leody Taveras – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (8), hitting .220. Surprising numbers from Leody in his limited time? He has 40 Ks in 123 ABs. How’s that for more surprises? He was released by the Rangers. You’d think that alone would have the Mariners skeptical, but he’s now a starter for them.
Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .231. A JRod homer before August is like finding a twenty in a pocket of pants you haven’t worn in a while.
Cal Raleigh – 2-for-3 and his 16th homer, hitting .249. Maybe because of the NBA playoffs happening right now, but I want to call him, Mo Cheeks.
Logan Webb – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.67, but a huge ticker shock as the Royals scored a bunch of runs, but Webb had three more that were unearned. Lucky SOB. I want my opponents to get those runs!
Justin Verlander – Hit the IL with a pec injury. Weird, figured a 54-year-old would stay healthy all year. Shucks.
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .296. Quietly becoming a superstar. Trying to raise his profile, make him Helium Ramos.
Matt Chapman – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .217. He’s a top 10 3rd baseman on the Player Rater. I’m talking to the people who keep asking about dropping him.
Patrick Bailey – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .183. Giants now have produced another catcher that sucks, call him Busted Posey.
Salvador Perez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .223. “Hey, is it against FAA regulations if we slide a body out at 30,000 feet–Hold on! He moved! Perez is alive!”
Curtis Mead – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Curtis Mead’s full name is Courtesy Mead after his dad’s first gratis drink at a Ren Faire.
Yandy Diaz – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .254. Tying Gunnar Henderson in homers, which is a freakin’ embarrassment! I slept in my uniform last night! And you can’t show up?! C’mon! (Uniform is a pair of shorts and t-shirt.)
Josh Lowe – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Also, in this game, Brandon Lowe (1-for-4) hit his 8th homer. Ah, back-to-back Lowe homers. Ain’t that cute. You ready for my bi-yearly rant about xBA? Brandon Lowe’s homer had an xBA of .010. This is the number one thing affecting society: xBA is dumb. If a ball goes out of the stadium for a homer, just make it a 1.000 xBA and cancel out everything else. They hit it out, it’s not catchable, how hard is this? It’s the easiest fix ever! I know why they don’t do it, it doesn’t mean I agree. It’s the opposite of agreeing! I don’t agree!
Taj Bradley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.61. Something to take into consideration with the Rays’ starters that will likely hurt them. Because of the summer rain and heat, they played 19 of their first 22 games at home and 47 of their 1st 59 games, then 64 of their final 104 on the road. That sucks. Road games are just never as good.
Hunter Brown – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.04. I was wearing my camo brown, laying in wait, behind my couch, sneaking peaks at my TV, when someone came up behind me and f**ked me! Damn you, Regression Fairies!
Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, 2nd and 3rd homer in two games, and third and fourth homer in four games. Now I know why Ethel Merman was always raving about a Paredes.
Ronel Blanco – Has elbow soreness and flew back to Houston. That can’t be good for his elbow.
