The singular of fireworks is firework, but sounds weird. A professional wrestler who pretends to be a fireman for his character. That’s a firework. Speaking of firemen, Happy 4th of July or as firemen call it, “Why did you put a Roman Candle in your butt and aim it at your house? Dumb move, especially since you lived in a thatched hut.” Another dumb move? Gambling on pitches you’re throwing if you’re an MLB pitcher. MLB placed Luis L. Ortiz on paid leave, as he undergoes an investigation into suspicion of gambling. How much is he making on paid leave? I only ask because I know a way he could double–no!–triple his money! MLB saddled up to gambling and were like, “This is going to go very well!” and it was like a 15-year-old boy being sponsored by Brazzers. Speaking of which, this post is sponsored by DraftKings. Use promo code ORTIZ IS SCREWED for a $5 free parlay! So, allegedly there was an obscene amount of action on two pitches to be called balls. No, PitchCom didn’t rat him out. Not sure how well you can see this video, but:
here’s the 2nd pitch they’re looking at Luis Ortiz for and this one is even worse. Not even trying to make it seem legit
— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) July 3, 2025 at 1:16 PM
Thought the L in Luis L. Ortiz was for Loser, but now I think it might be for Lazy. If you’re gonna cheat, and potentially cost yourself millions of dollars, at least make some effort to make it seem legit. How amazing would it have been if the hitter swung at one of those terrible pitches by Luis Ortiz? He would’ve ran off the mound and changed his name to Fausto Carmona. In the rankings of National Pastimes, baseball is above gambling (barely, it goes 1. Eating 2. Baseball 3. There’s no 3. 4. Gambling), so to sully baseball on this very sacred day when our country plopped out of Uncle Sam’s hoo-ha, well, that is unforgivable. Happy 4th to everyone, except Luis L. Ortiz! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joey Cantillo – 3 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.41. Will replace Luis Ortiz in the rotation and isn’t interesting outside of AL-Only or Streamonator calls. Oddly enough, the Ortiz gambling tipster’s name was Coey Jantillo. Meh, sure it’s nothing!
Cade Horton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15. I have zero information about the weather in Wrigley last night (could’ve googled it, didn’t), but I’m guessing the wind was blowing in.
Kodai Senga – Will begin a rehab assignment this weekend. They’re Senga’ing him out! High five me! Right now! No? Okay.
Paul Blackburn – Hit the IL with a shoulder impingement. One of the worst after-pitching ‘ments.
David Peterson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.18. A man Da. Peterson back from the dead! Oh, man, that depressed me. Apologies, not cool for my baby brain to process death.
Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4, and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Nimmo keeps finding them!
Yordan Alvarez – Hand specialist had good news for him, saying there’s notable progress on his hand injury. The hand specialist then said, “I’m a manicurist.” Seems pretty legit.
Austin Nola – 0-for-3, as he was called up by the Rockies. Irrelevant for fantasy, but just wanted to say I see you Rockies, and I see you’re trying to get me to react. I won’t. I’m merely shrugging that you brought back a guy who last played in the majors in 2023 when he hit .146. You can’t get a reaction out of me!
Thairo Estrada – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and a caught stealing for the Slam & I Have No Legs. I’m fine-tuned to Thairo doing anything with a monocle tightly affixed, because he’s been solid in the past and Coors in the summer might be glorious for him.
Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.71. Started him in a few leagues because he’s good at home, saw he gave up a three-run bomb in the 1st inning and turned off the game to watch a documentary about Jayne Mansfield. Had nothing to do with Jayne’s defense or getting position eligibility, by the way. Irvin settled in; start him at home.
James Wood – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .294. Said like Austin Powers, “Wood, baby, yeah!”
Paul DeJong – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Colonel Mustard in the man cave with fireworks!
Dietrich Enns – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 7.00. Get rich or Dietrich, and yesterday it was the latter.
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Here’s the reason I watched that Mansfield doc.
Clarke Schmidt – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.32, and left with forearm tightness aka Get ready to learn Tommy John surgery, buddy.
Trent Grisham – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer. Has cooled off since his torrid start, but…Actually, there’s no but. That’s the whole statement.
George Springer – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, 3rd and 4th homer in three games. The Yankees bring out the best in Zombinos. Must be the rich soil. Maybe it’s a tie-in with 28 Years Later.
Chris Bassitt – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.32. This start appears meh, but is sneaky good. See, Bassitt only sounds like a dog.
Addison Barger – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in two games. I’d say hot schmotato, but he should just be rostered at this point. We’re beyond, “Ooh, he’s a hot bat, grab him.” He’s now, “A good player, roster him.”
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 27th homer. We’re almost to the end of the half and my ability to do this, but once again: Eugenio has 47 homers since last All-Star Break; only Ohtani and Judge had more.
Ketel Marte – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .299. It’s gonna hurt so much next year when I’m all-in on Ketel finally and he’s awful. Also, very predictable!
Robbie Ray – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Pitching like that for me, and I’m glad I’m not the one wearing tight pants, nah’mean?
Seth Lugo – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.65. Last year, he was the 6th best starter in all of fantasy. This is not a fluke. Say the same thing after every start for Lugo and people are still, “Would you start him vs. the M’s in arguably the worst hitting park in the majors?”
Logan Evans – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.96, as he was recalled. As I said after I started dating my first girlfriend: Goodbye, Hancock! Evans is pretty meh under the surface for strikeouts, but has decent command and should be able to avoid most roofies. Don’t think he’s a shallow mixed league guy, outside of streams, but definitely interesting for deeper leagues.
Dominic Canzone – 1-for-4, and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Canschmotato!
Jose Soriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Was able to throw a great game because he’s great in away games. I don’t know why, it’s weird, for sure, but his away ERA is almost three runs better than his home ERA. What’s he got against Anaheim? Does he think it’s Jonah Heim’s sister? Does he not like Disney? Or is he one of those adults who likes Disney too much and it’s distracting? I got questions, y’all!
Zach Neto – 3-for-5, 3 runs, and a slam (13) and legs (14). Those were his first hits in ten days. He must miss Ron Washington. Just sprinkle some baby powder on a mirror and he’ll be there!
Nolan Schanuel – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Okay, but what I really want to talk about is how there was a C. Stevens playing 2nd for the Angels. Ooh, baby, it’s a wild world!
Christian Moore – Hit the IL with sprained thumb. It’s spraining men! Halleberrylujah it’s spraining men!
Colson Montgomery – Was called up by the White Sox. Bam! I drafted him in my 15-team auction in March! Oh, I dropped him in April, but sweet vindication! Actually, that’s not vindication. Forget I said anything. Here’s what Itch said, “A left-handed hitter with patience and power at 6’3” 205 lbs, Montgomery has a lot of backers in the scouting community, but his outcomes were not encouraging in 2024: .214/.329/.381 with a 28.6 percent strikeout rate in 130 Triple-A games. Can forgive some of that due to age and inexperience, but there’s definitely a little more dynasty risk here than you’ll find in most name-brand middle infielders. He’ll probably be useful in OBP leagues regardless, but if the power doesn’t play, you’ll be falling behind in multiple standard rotisserie categories. If falling down, please fall onto Grey.” What? C’mon! Anyway, he was hitting .218 in Triple-A this year, so up from .214! He’s fixed! He went 11/2 in 55 games in Triple-A this year, and I don’t know why he was called up. I’d only take a flyer in a deep league for power.
Dustin May – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.52. Yes, excellent, The Human Carrot came through, and I streamed him everywhere because of the Streamonator and now I will drop him.
Mookie Betts – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Mookie Best! Okay, more like Mookie Mid-At-Best, recently. Said to sell him back in April, now, honestly, I’d likely be buying. No one wants him and his value can only go up.
Ha-Seong Kim – Was activated. Wish he were anywhere other than the Rays, because you know they’re going to platoon him. Have him stashed in a few leagues, because you never know. He’s had some decent years — 17/38/.260 in 2023; 11/22/.233 last year. In some leagues, that plays well, assuming he freakin’ plays. Damn you, Kevin Cash, you’re giving me agita! Any hoo! Kim won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column — well, not this Kim — but he’s a worthwhile pickup.
Eury Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Don’t think it’s unreasonable to think Eury Perez can be an ace. Unfortch, he can also be a mess. This is the problem with him. In 2023 (he didn’t pitch in 2024), he had a 6 IP, 0 ER, two-hitter with 10 Ks and that was in a sea of terrible starts, and a good one here and there. Consistency, my good man, that’s why the people clamor. Streamonator also loved yesterday’s and mehs his next.
Agustin Ramirez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. As someone who watches an embarrassing amount of Marlins games, this guy has easy 30-homer power. He’s a certified beaut.
Matt Wallner – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he hadn’t had a hit in a week.
David Festa – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.48. Festa reminds me. If you’re headed to a party this 4th of July, then make sure you bring with you a tip of a hot dog to act as a tourniquet in case you or someone you love blows off the tip of their finger. You’ll be glad you did!
