Okay, I’m going to try to show you my 2024 LABR team, but I have to warn you, if your parental controls are too high on your browser, you might not be able to see my team. If, for unstints, you have your Chrome browser at PG-13, you won’t even see my outfield. To help those people, and I’m only going to do this this one time, J*lio Rodriguez and A*ron J*dge are both in my outfield, and, ya know what, that’s not even the sexiest outfielder. And if that doesn’t do it for you, my 2nd baseman is bound to make you Hoerny. Seriously, loosen your parental controls and your belt, and then view my post, so you can see the sexy. Of course, after you do that, you can see my OnlyFans too, so why not subscribe so I can read you my LABR team recap while I wear a nightie. Any hoo! I took part in the LABR, 12-team, mixed auction this past weekend and I built a team that is dripping in sex appeal. Besides being an auction and two catcher, it’s very similar to our RCL leagues (spots available to take on me and all of your worst frenemies, and win prizes; it’s free — sign up for a Razzball Commenter League under that linkie-ma-whosie.) Anyway, here’s my LABR 12-team, mixed league draft recap:
C: Elias Diaz – $1
C: Tyler Stephenson – $1
1B: Christian Walker – $16
2B: Nico Hoerner – $21
SS: Bo Bichette – $22
3B: Luis Rengifo – $1
MI: Oneil Cruz – $12
CI: Josh Naylor – $14
OF: Julio Rodriguez – $42
OF: Aaron Judge – $39
OF: Jackson Chourio – $10
OF: Christopher Morel – $7
OF: Tyler O’Neill – $4
Util: Marcell Ozuna – $1
Bench: Kris Bryant, Pete Crow-Armstrong
P: Yoshinobu Yamamoto – $25
P: David Bednar – $13
P: Alexis Diaz – $9
P: Sonny Gray – $8
P: Jose Berrios – $4
P: Braxton Garrett – $4
P: Yusei Kikuchi – $3
P: Charlie Morton – $2
P: Kyle Harrison – $1
Bench: Brusdar Graterol, Hunter Harvey, Ranger Suarez
OKAY, I FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO GIVE ME YOUR WAR ROOM VALUES, SO LET’S GET THAT OUT OF THE WAY.
Appreciate you teeing me up there, Mr. Al Capps.
OKAY, THAT DESERVES AN LOL.
It’s a Yolo-Moto.
DON’T PUSH IT.
Fair enough. This team ducks, only I didn’t write ducks, but my autocorrect changed what I wrote. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, kazoo. So, my game plan was to dominate hitting, get closers who will work and focus on starters who are solid for ratios. Yamamoto, Gray, Kikuchi, and *fingers crossed* Berrios repeats last year. Get a darling or two (Garrett) and get an upside flyer starter (Harrison). Speaking of game plans, when I was on the phone with Sirius talking to them about my draft, I was standing outside of my hotel and some woman walked up to me to ask me a question. I shook her off and walked away, but she followed me yelling, “Oh, you think you’re King Charles, huh?” Fun times!
By the by, we have to talk about Kyle Harrison. Explain to me why no one wants him, because I’m old enough to remember when everyone wanted him. My age is a closely guarded secret, but clearly I’m revealing to you I’m not less than one year old, because that’s how long ago everyone wanted Harrison! Oh, and he did not do anything wrong between last year when everyone wanted him and this year. He pitched well in his first taste of the majors!
YOU ARE SO CRACKERS.
What?
YOU DRAFT A 12-TEAM MIXED LEAGUE TEAM AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR $1 PITCHER WHO YOU MIGHT DROP THE FIRST WEEK OF THE SEASON.
True, Harrison might be dropped by me for a streamer, but it’s worth noting fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) don’t want Harrison, even though everyone did last year, and I wrote a whole post: Kyle Harrison fantasy.
OKAY, ENOUGH JIBBERING ABOUT THAT. COLLECT YOUR FLOWERS, HOMEBOY, YOUR TEAM ROCKS LIKE SEAN CONNERY IN THE ROCK.
Aye, aye, cap’n!
WHAT’S THAT?
A Connery impersonation.
DON’T DO THAT.
Oh, okay. So, yeah, my team is about as good as I’ve drafted a 12-team mixed league auction. Super happy with the team. I feel like it speaks for itself, so allow me to do something you’d never think I’d do. Let me defend Kris Bryant. I get it. He’s been sucking the ol’ suckhole for a few years now, but a free player? J.D. Martinez, who still doesn’t have a team, was $2; Jeff McNeil, who is working with one arm, went for a dollar. You might be thinking, yeah, but McNeil and J.D. weren’t atrocious the last two years. That’s fair, but Kelenic was and he’s $4. Listen, I like Kelenic for that price, and I like Tyler O’Neill, who has been atrocious too and I took him for $4, but Kris Bryant is really not worth bidding a dollar on? I think we might’ve gone too far.
FIRST A PARAGRAPH ABOUT A DOLLAR PLAYER THEN KRIS BRYANT? DAMN, YOU REALLY KNOW WHERE PEOPLE’S INTEREST LIES.
Okay, will talk briefly about my big purchases. I wanted two big bats. Whether it was Soto and Tatis or Judge and Carroll or what-have-you. I wanted two. Tatis went for $43; Soto for $40; Carroll for $40. All fair prices, it was more where they went in the draft. I was likely out on Acuña, if being honest, and, for the first time, I’m being honest. The knee worried me as the draft was, uh, drafting. It might be fine, but I want more info. Someone I find myself liking more now than when I drafted? Christopher Morel. If he gets 3rd base eligibility by mid-April, he moves to 3B and Bryant, or a waiver wire guy, goes to OF, then Rengifo acts as a flex. Though, I am admittedly higher on Rengifo than everyone. I love me some flex, even if everyone else sees junk. Call him Junkmaster Flex.
MOST AMAZING PART OF THIS RECAP IS YOU WENT 1,000 WORDS WITHOUT MENTIONING BOBA CHETTE.
I was waiting for you to do it! Natch!
OKAY, YOU GOT ME, BALLER. ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME ONE HITTER AND ONE PITCHER YOU’RE MOST EXCITED ABOUT.
I got Jackson Chourio and Yoshinobu Yamamoto on the same team! These are the two funnest, most ridiculous, exciting names in baseball, and they’re all mine! Mine, I tell ya! Now, please, you both better not become this year’s Jordan Walker (who I still love! I tease!) or else.
Hey, there’s one league tonight drafting that has openings, then there’s no openings for a while, so if you wanna play in the Razzball leagues now is the time (free to play, win prizes):
