Jose Alvarado was suspended 80 games for PEDs. Phils said in a statement, “We haven’t had a good bullpen in fifteen or so years so when we had a good reliever, we were like, ‘Who’s testing the urine?’ And this weird-looking guy misheard and said, ‘I’ll taste it.’ And we were like, ‘What? No! Gross, Bill!’ and Bill was like, ‘I did a gargle for no reason?’ and we were like, ‘What are you talking about, ‘a gargle’?’ and Bill was like, ‘What’s the right answer here?’” So, this helps solidify Jordan Romano’s closer job, but I’m sure he can un-solidify it in no time. Yesterday, was not one of those days though as he threw a Kimbrel — 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks — for his 5th save. His ERA is at 7.27, which feels like another nod to Kimbrel, only not the good one. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Mick Abel – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, as he was called up. He’s a 6′ 5″ righty with 97 MPH paint, maxed at 99, and a nasty 84 MPH curve, and he seems like he has no control — a 3.7 BB/9 in Triple-A this year in 46 1/3 IP — and this might be a spot start. Seems to be on NL-Only radars at this point. Clearly, he’s Abel, but Cain he continue? Hashtag nailed it.
Paul Skenes – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.44. This would’ve been a perfect game for the POOP scorebug to continue. Damn shame. POOP’s good, for youse who don’t know.
Jared Jones – Sounds like he’s headed for Tommy John. The surgery, not the guy standing outside the surgeon’s office asking for a nickel every time his name is mentioned.
Brandon Hyde – Fired by the O’s. It’s more elegant than firing “the entire team.”
Kyle Gibson – DFA’d by the O’s. No, he was just about to turn a corner!
Zach Eflin – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.01. Don’t worry, the O’s new manager will fix Zach Eflin. He just needs to time travel back a few years and mate Zach Eflin’s mom with Clayton Kershaw’s dad.
Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .258. Praying he can block out all the noise of being on a terrible team and still produce a solid year. Though, starting to feel like Gunnar’s gonna be drafted around 20-25 overall next year and be a steal.
Jackson Holliday – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in two games, hitting .275, as he hits leadoff. Jackson succeeds when everyone else is on Holliday.
Cedric Mullins – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in the week, hitting .227, which is much worse than I expected. Need to do more Cedric mulling.
CJ Abrams – 3-for-5, 3 runs, and his 7th and 8th homer, hitting .312, and four homers for the week. Also, in this game, Josh Bell (1-for-4) hit his 6th homer; Luis Garcia Jr. (1-for-4) hit his 4th homer and Dylan Crews (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 6th homer. Bet the Orioles are very happy they moved in their outfield fences.
Jake Irvin – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Streamonator loves his next one, but it won’t be as easy as this one vs. the O’s.
Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.93. No one wants to drop Rasmussen as much as Razzball commenters. This, I know.
Cole Ragans – Hit the IL with tightness in his groin. I’m the one who’s supposed to have tightness in their groin from rostering him! Not him!
Seth Lugo – Hit the IL with a sprained middle finger. The number one injury affecting truck drivers.
Noah Cameron – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.71, as he was recalled. Gave you my Noah Cameron fantasy already. He faces the red-hot Twins next (the Doublemint Twins?), which is a little scary.
Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.86. He’s actually available in my RCL league and I blame only myself for not picking him up. [whips back with a cat o’ nine tails] Do better!
Matthew Liberatore – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.92. This isn’t “lucky.” He’s pitched well. Trying to be as blunt about this as possible because there’s so many Liberatore comments. It’s like: Catcher, catcher, Liberatore, catcher, catcher, Liberatore. Instead of duck, duck, goose; it’s Catcher, Catcher, Liberatore.
Alec Burleson – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in as many games, unfortunately that’s his last two games, not the Cards’ last two. Burleson hadn’t played since Wednesday. These managers are seriously dangerous with the smallest modicum of info. “Did you say he hits lefty? Then he can never face a lefty ever again! The numbers say it!”
Reese Olson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Mets have a pitching lab cooking with test tubes in an RV like Walter White, but the Tigers are a late-season Jesse and can cook if Walter needs to go out of town.
Jackson Jobe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.12 vs. Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.19. This matchup was billed as,”I shuddered when I looked at both of their peripherals. Just ugly stuff. Jobe’s at 7.3 K/9, 5 BB/9. Berrios (8.2 K/9, 3.9 BB/9) is slightly better than that, but anyone would be. Both guys have lost velocity too. Just a mess.”
Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.98. Been a while since I checked in on Boyd, and his peripherals look much nicer since the last time — 9.3 K/9, 2.3 BB/9. Likely closer to a 3.60 ERA pitcher, but that’s rosterable for as long as he’s going that well.
Colin Rea – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Regression will come! And we will laugh maniacally! For now, I’m a teeth-gritting fool.
Matt Shaw – Being recalled. Cubs’ front office went like this, “Oh, he’s, like, bad bad.” That’s them watching Vidal Brujan who had been playing 3rd. Shaw is a 20/20/.250 hitter who was making some of the worst contact ever when he was with the Cubs. Worth a flyer though.
Miguel Vargas – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer, 3rd homer over the weekend, 4th homer in a week. Hot schmotato alert!
Lucas Giolito – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.08. Hasn’t been good, but think about the life lessons he’s teaching. How glory is fleeting. Life lessons, they don’t show up in any box score.
Brayan Bello – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.02. Bello, goodbye.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games, hitting .289, and hitting around .350 since my last victory lap on how bad he was in the opening four-something games.
Spencer Schwellenbach – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Spencer Schwerviceable.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in as many games, hitting near-.240 in May with only three homers. Hold your breath for 10 seconds, it’s just a hiccup.
Zebby Matthews – 3 IP, 4 ER, as he was called up. Finally, someone scored off the Twins. Too bad it was off Lil’ Zebby; he’s beginning to appear much better in theory. Well, here’s my Zebby Matthews fantasy.
Royce Lewis – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, and nearly hit a 2nd homer, but Chourio brought it back. When Royce starts hitting, he gets crazy hot. Buckle in. Until he gets hurt again in 15-ish games.
Will Benson – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .367, and three homers in two games, four homers in three games and five homers in four games, and the hottest schmotato in the land.
Andrew Abbott – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Has some of the prettiest underlying numbers in baseball, even after this semi-meh game. Wish more of my starters could be semi-meh as 5 IP, 0 ER.
Randy Arozarena – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting…Guess. He’s struggled to hit .210 for a few years now, so what’s he hitting? Bzzt, wrongo! He’s hitting better than JRod, which isn’t saying that much. He’s hitting .242.
Bryan Woo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.65. Woo, indeed.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. FTJ! Fun The Jewels!
Hayden Birdsong – Will enter the rotation and Jordan Hicks will move to the pen. Birdsong, or as he was formerly known “Twitter,” is rostered in all my leagues, except my RCL, and I tried to pick him up, but couldn’t figure out who to drop. So, rostered everywhere, except a 12-teamer. That makes sense to me. Likely going one start at a time to begin, but he could be a solid backend fantasy starter — think 9.5 K/9, 3.5 BB/9, 3.85 ERA.
Landen Roupp – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Streamonator liked this start, so I streamed him, and I think I might bail on him before his next, but I’m still in decision mode, or Decision 2025, if CNN is covering this.
Justin Verlander – 4 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 4.33. Birdsong is replacing Hicks, but he could’ve easily replaced this schmohawk. Verlander’s four-seamer was shitting 89.5 MPH by the 4th. Excuse me, sitting.
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. On the Player Rater, he’s around the top 15th best outfielder. Preseason sleeper!
Jeffrey Springs – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.91, but a 2.45 ERA in away games, and a 6.30 ERA in home games. He’s basically a must-start in away games, and a must-sit at home.
Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.47. Something that is always lost in the preseason: Let’s say Mahle ends up at the end of the season with a 4.25 ERA or something and next year, people are like, “Mehle, nothing there.” Or something derogatory for guys like him. Think also Griffin Canning as another. But the thing is, I’ve started Mahle for about a month straight, I’m getting these stats, then when he’s not good, I will bench or drop him. I’m not going to be hit by the 5+ ERA correction for him or Canning or other guys. Or at least ideally I won’t be. In the preseason, people always think you’re getting all of the pitchers’ stats, but you’re not. Plus, if you can bench them vs. bad matchups, then again you’re not getting all the bad stats. You might in a deep league, but even there is debatable.
Evan Carter – Hit the IL with a quad strain. Jimmy Carter’s having a better year health-wise.
Jack Leiter – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.25. Weakest pitcher in the Rangers’ rotation, but no one would expect him to be as good as, say, Patrick Corbin.
Hayden Wesneski – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. The universe gave us Hayden Birdsong and took away Hayden Wesneski. The scales of Hayden balance precariously.
Yainer Diaz – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .229. Not doing well, but basically the best catcher in the world when compared to Adley Rutschman. See, it’s all about putting guys in the best context to make them appear better.
Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .259. Feel vindicated that Paredes is doing well with the Astros, and ignoring the fact that I also thought Christian Walker (0-for-3, hitting .207) would do well. Pretending he doesn’t exist. Christian who? Literally never heard of him.
Shane Baz – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.33. “Getting rocked by the Marlins” begins the 48-hour clock countdown to an IL stint.
Xavier Edwards – Hit the IL with a back strain. Eek, those can be worse than obliques. This is the best news for Sanoja since he made a run on American Idol.
Clayton Kershaw – 4 IP, 5 ER, as he was activated from the IL. He had a great career! 1st ballot Hall of Famer. Easily. The playoffs troubles were overblown! One of the best of all-time. Whisper all that into a glass bottle and place that bottle next to your fantasy team, instead of putting Kershaw on there.
Chris Taylor – Released by the Dodgers. Woo hoo! It’s Kim’s time! LFG!!!–Wait, Kim didn’t start yesterday because Tommy Edman returned. Dodgers have too many mouths to feed.
Tony Gonsolin – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.05 vs. Yusei Kikuchi – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Angels put a hurting on the Dodgers this weekend, as they were battling for Ohtani’s soul.
Taylor Ward – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in as many games, third homer in four games, and 4th homer in the week. Enter Razzball Commenter, “Should I drop Ward?”
Zach Neto – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, 3rd homer in the week. It’s like every Angels’ hitter took Kyren Paris’s powers and left him drained like Superman at some point in every Superman movie.
Will Smith – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Cheering him loudly was Dalton Rushing. Do you have a Cheering category in your league?
Justin Martinez – Pitched in an ACL game on Saturday. That’s a game where everyone who pitches needs ACL surgery. [intern whispering] American Cornhole League? [intern whispering] Hmm, Arizona Complex League, I see. Martinez is due back and will get saves immediately, until he’s sore again in two weeks and can’t pitch again, then Shelby Miller should get saves, but won’t.
Zac Gallen – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.14. Hey, I liked him too in the preseason, but it didn’t work. He was rocked by the Rockies at home. That’s as bad as it gets. It’s cute you’re looking to go down with the ship like you’re in the Mexican Navy sailing into the Brooklyn Bridge, but haven’t you seen enough of Gallen to move on?
Merrill Kelly – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Just in case you thought the Rockies were good after Gallen’s start.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer, 3rd homer this week. Ketel skelter!
Cody Bellinger – 3-for-3, 6 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .258. Cody’s on pace for almost exactly his preseason projections. My point? Why do you keep complaining about him?
Griffin Canning – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.47. You can look at Streamonator, but just know you’re wondering about not starting a guy with a 2.47 ERA, which seems kinda nutty.
David Peterson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Mets’ pitchers proving the old adage, “Great pitching shutting down great hitting.” Or at least, “Great pitching shutting down Judge.”
Juan Soto – 0-for-4, hitting .246. The Athletic had an article this weekend, “Capturing the best Juan Soto taunts,” from his trip to cross-rival Yankee Stadium. The number one chant was, “F— Juan Soto.” Wow, 10/10 on creativity. The whole anti-Juan Soto vitriol from Yankee fans is so apt. He came up in the Yanks’ system, said he wanted to spend his career in pinstripes, named his French Bulldog, Jetes–Wait, that’s not right. They brought him for a year, and he left. He was a hired hand. They’re so butt hurt when Kenny Lofton was as much a Yankee.
