Have you seen Jonah Tong? He looks like Tim Lincecum had sex with Tim Lincecum, and their baby would be Jonah Tong. Call Jonah Tong: Inceptioncum. ACKSUALLY, if k.d. lang had sex with k.d. lang, then Lincecum and Linceum’s baby and lang and lang’s baby stepped into The Fly teleporter at the same time and, poof, there’s Jonah Tong. Call Jonah Tong: k.d. Inceptioncum. So, the Mets are calling up Jonah Tong to start on Friday. Whee! Very fun! In Triple-A, Tong went 10-5/1.43/0.92/179 in 113 2/3 IP. Whoa, what’s he better than Bubba Chandler? He threw 113 IP in 2024, so, if I were the Mets, I’d limit him to about 20-30 more innings, and, if I were the Mets, I’d give everyone I knew heartbreak for close to 40 years. I’ll go over him in-depth in the offseason when I go over rookies, but I wonder if these slight-framed pitchers are great the younger they are and flame out quicker. Think of a sample size of only Lincecum, and ignoring Pedro Martinez. Either way, I’m intrigued for Tong in all leagues for Friday’s start, then go from there. I love when I Inceptioncum on my Tong–Okay, I’ll stop now. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Sean Manaea – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.01. Welp, still not right. See ya again in four mañanas, Manaea. Alliteration in lieu of wit!
Harrison Bader – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, which should count for a double because it was off Helsley. He should be DFA’d. Helsley is working for the Phils while pitching for the Mets. I have no proof, but it’s true.
Jesus Luzardo – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.23. Luzardo might be in the Berrios camp for me, as in I never want to see or hear from him again.
Oneil Cruz – 0-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “How am I supposed to work when Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are engaged?”
Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Ya know, he might be safe if the matchup is safe. There’s one way to check that theory, and the Streamonator says that’s by benching him next time out.
Nolan Gorman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Having an okay August (4 HRs, hitting .250-ish); had a solid June (6 HRs, .256). Really being pulled down by an IL stint in July and doing Nadir Bupkis numbers in April and May.
Willson Contreras – 0-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. Appealing his suspension of six games for losing his shizz on an ump. Wonder how many times we’d see a player lose it on an ump if there were robot umps and the first robot to be yelled at Terminator’d the player’s arm off and started beating them with it like the new Naked Gun smashed up with the original Naked Gun.
Kyle Bradish – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks 10 Ks as he returned from Tommy John. Floored at how good he looked. If Tong wasn’t called up, Bradish would’ve been the lede. Stunning results. Usually results are super mixed on guys returning from TJ. One donkey show and the rest is a foggy memory–Wait, different TJ. Bradish looked meh in rehab and I like the idea of watching his results more than picking him up, but you can’t argue with what he did yesterday against a solid team. Might be in next year, not feeling it this year, but can’t argue it vehemently after last night.
Trevor Story – 2-for-4 and a slam (21) and legs (23). If you rostered Story and Buxton this year, you made a deal with the devil and that’s cheating. Not cool.
Lucas Giolito – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.47. If you rostered Story, Buxton and Giolito, you are a witch and if I ever catch you I will burn you on a stake. I am not joking, try me.
Shane Baz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.19. Solid bounce back start for a guy who’s been Bazung most of the year. I can’t get in on a guy who has a 5+ ERA without being incredibly desperate, i.e., this was a good start, zero trust.
Parker Messick – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.66. Picked him up in multiple ‘pert leagues this Sunday in FAAB bidding for, like, one dollar out of thousand (though, people obviously have less now). I gave you my Parker Messick fantasy last week. tl;dr, I like him.
Hurston Waldrep – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, zero Ks, ERA at 0.90. Yes, zero Ks is a bit of a Wal-drip. But, in that same Parker Messick fantasy post, I said, “Waldrep looks real,” so that’s your cue to grab him. You need to move faster if you’re gonna win your H2H playoffs! Chop chop! Chop chop your vets who are struggling!
Ozzie Albies – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer. He hit 10 homers last year in 99 games, and I might not have said it, but I sure was thinking it: There’s no way he could be worse in 2025, and, boy, was I right! [eye roll]
Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.87. Okay, about not picking up a pitcher with a 5+ ERA, well, I wouldn’t here either, if being honest, but he seems like he’s unlocked something finally, and I might be in next year, and can understand if you need him this year. I am an empath.
MacKenzie Gore – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Good news is I’ve realized I should now bench him until further notice.
Luis Gil – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.75. His command is crazy wonky and that scares me like I’m a little baby nursing on a bottle, but his next matchup is solid per Streamonator.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 17th homer. Giancarlo hits 20 homers every year, whether it’s in 100 games or 12.
Bailey Ober – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.14. If I could say one thing to Ober, I’d tell him to stop throwing so many strikes. If I could say a second thing, I might get arrested.
Luke Keaschall – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I was very meh on Buxton for most of his career; didn’t love Royce Lewis when everyone was hyped; couldn’t care less for Kirilloff or Larnach, but Keaschall? Keaschall’s got me intrigued.
Matt Wallner – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, and three homers in two games, four homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Justin Topa – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.58, and his 4th save. You’ve been closed on by Topa Chico!
George Springer – 4-for-5, 4 runs and his 23rd and 24th homer. Zombino take tiny ball hammer, crack skull and eat brain custard nomnomnom.
Chris Bassitt – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.14. Continues to be Cy Young at home, and Sike I Suck in away games.
Jeff Hoffman – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.77, and 7th blown save. He’s had low-key one of the most productive, terrible seasons from a closer in a while.
Mason Barnett – A’s called up their 11th best prospect. None of the top 10 are good. I kid. Maybe, I have no idea, but I know they brought up a ton of their prospects already. Any hoo! Barnett had a 6.12 ERA in Triple-A in 119 IP, and now has to pitch in a tiny minor league park–Oh, wait.
Jacob Wilson – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Thank you, Bing Bong, may I have another?
Riley Greene – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 32nd homer. Everyone in Bing Bong goes big dong. Colt Keith (3-for-5, 2 runs) also hit his 12th. SacTown is Coors, if Coors was zero gravity.
Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.25. Bing Bong, his pitch is dead.
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer. He seems like a good dude. Terrible player, but good dude. Maybe it’s because he started crying when he thought he was traded. No, not maybe, that’s the reason. A sweetheart. Pretty awful hitter, but nice guy.
Matt Chapman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (17) and legs (9). Twirling his finger in a hotel phone cord, Chapman whispers under the duvet, “Josh Naylor, you did not show me. I showed you how to steal!”
Randy Rodriguez – Hit the IL with an elbow sprain. Woke: Dandy Rodriguez. Broke: Randy Rodriguez. Waiver Wired: Ryan Walker (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.57, and 12th save).
Dylan Cease – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.82. He was through three innings with 38 pitches, and still couldn’t get through five with a five-run 1st by the Padres and, wow, he’s genuinely terrible.
Ramon Laureano – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer. More on him in Corey Seager’s blurb below.
Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.75, 14 ER in his last 13 IP. Not sure when he became broken, but the screws are loose and he’s jingo-jangling.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 41st homer. M’s have a 50-homer guy and a 40+ homer guy before September. If they get their pitching right, they could be trouble in the playoffs. By the way, MLB expanded their playoffs for more races, and there’s zero races, and only one team was a buyer at the deadline (Reds) who wasn’t in the playoffs already. That’s the Manfred Touch!
Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.06. It’s remarkable how Kershaw’s never been bad. Uh, in the regular season.
Will Smith – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer, hitting .295. Don’t usually look at OBP but Smith’s .403. That’s 2nd in the league, and best in the NL.
Tanner Scott – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.97 and his 20th save. Glad to see him back with reservations. Those reservations are I know he’s going to be awful by, like, Sunday.
Austin Hays – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Hasn’t done much for a bit, but he is the type to get scalding hot real quick.
Colson Montgomery – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, four straight games with a homer. Fourteen homers SINCE (caps for emphasis) the break. This is nuts. I think it’s mostly Maas Appeal too.
Martin Perez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.02. Was gonna say it’s a little random for a guy to have the best year of his career at 34, but I forgot he had a 196 1/3 IP, 2.89 ERA season in 2022. Also, teach your kids to throw lefty. This guy’s played since 2012 and has a career 4.41 ERA in 1600+ IP. How is he in the league? I wouldn’t even Streamonator Perez, and that’s fine, it’ll never like him.
Patrick Corbin – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.33. I put Perez and Corbin next to each other just so you could think, “I drafted Logan Gilbert in the top 30 and he’s highlighting Perez and Corbin next to each other just to burn me up.” Yup! We’re having fun! It’s part of my charm!
Nathan Eovaldi – Season is likely over with a rotator cuff strain. Sigh. We had a great run. Seeing he threw 130 innings this season, just realized Eovaldi was more deGrom than deGrom this year. Welp, sad it’s over, but will always remember the time you had one of the more unlikely sub-2 ERA seasons.
Corey Seager – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Any ideas how many RBIs he has? Hitting third and he’s played in 101 games with 20 dongers. How many RBIs? Bzzt wrongo! 48! Laureano has 66 hitting 7th and in only five more games.
Zach Neto – 2-for-4 and his 23rd homer, 2nd homer in two games. Neto could have a 30/30 season in 130 games. Zoinks!
Yusei Kikuchi – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.68. How dare you sound like a Lisa Loeb song pitching like that! She deserves better.
Brandon Pfaadt – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.24. My pitching sleepers were miserable this year. My pitching’s fine in most leagues, so there’s ways out if you recognize mistakes early enough, but, yeah, it hasn’t been great.
Gabriel Moreno – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Yo Gabby Gabby! Or is that old? Is it now Skibidiel Toiletreno? Or is that old? What’s not old? Don’t say not you! You bastard!
William Contreras – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. He was avenging his brother like Kane and The Undertaker, only neither guy–Oh man, I just thought of something. A hitter should lay in a casket in the on-deck circle, then the bat boy wheels him to the plate. “After Gimenez we’re gonna see George Springer–Oh my God! What is this? They’re rolling a casket to the plate! There’s Springer laying still–He’s up! He’s popped up! Springer is back for vengeance!” You should be able to get the casket intro after ten years in the league.
Brice Turang – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Okay, what if in 2026 he puts the 20-homer power together with his 2024 steals? I would like that.
Jacob Misiorowski – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.33. Kinda funny that he was in the All-Star Game. Not funny funny, obviously. I mean, he still is nasty, but baseball is hard and he’s a rookie.
Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Now he’ll randomly be benched on Wednesday. Rockies need to fumigate their manager’s office, it’s got Black mold.
Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in two games. [sign of the cross] Father, son, holy schmotato.
Yordan Alvarez – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the IL. Showing up at the park before the game, Yordan met with fans and answered questions like, “Who are you?” and “Do you play baseball?” He signed some autographs and sounded out his name for people to get familiar with him. During the game, he took at-bats, briefly going to the right-side of the plate, muttering, “It’s been so long,” and using the wrong side of the bat. After the game, he said it was nice to be back and a reporter asked, “Back to what? Had you been here before?”
