This winter I spent two months in “How to Spell Misiorowski” class for beginners and my family said I was dumb for wasting my time. Well, how dum am I now?! Dum is with a B? Hmm, well, I didn’t take that class, did I, you dop! Dop has an E? I prolly should’ve spread out my classes. Well, guess what Jakob Misiorowski is here and he’s–God damn it! It’s Jacob? Okay! So, as I mentioned on yesterday’s podcast, I have only a few guys personally stashed. Not to say, I draw a mustache on their profile pics. I mean, I do that too, but I have three guys stashed and Jacob Misiorowski was one. So, LET’S FREAKIN’ GO!!! Caps for emphasis, and exclamation marks in case you don’t know what caps are for. Misiorowski will start on Thursday for the Brewers, and the Brewers are one of the best teams to develop pitching, and this doode throws 103 MPH. Color me excited. I have some personal investment here, so grain of NaCl, but I wouldn’t be shocked if he’s better than Bubba Chandler. For his year, and maybe going forward. (They both can be great, either way.) In Triple-A, Misiorowski had a 11.4 K/9, 4.4 BB/9 and 2.13 ERA. The command might lead to a roofie or three, so there could be some risk here, but he has about as much upside as you’re gonna find. I rarely pick up rookie starters in my 12-team mixed league, but even picked up Misiorowski there. He can be great, immediately. M-I-S-I-crap, what is it again? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Quinn Priester – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.65. You doubt what the Brewers can do with pitching? Look at what they’ve done with Quinn Priester!
Jackson Chourio – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Jack-Chou, gesundheit.
Grant Holmes – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.07. If Holmes was a Brewer or a Touki, he’d have a 2.50 ERA! Now, he’s a Streamonator call.
Justin Martinez – Hit the IL with a strained elbow. Left Monday’s game with a trainer. I missed that when it happened, my bad. I only told you for the last three weeks that he wasn’t right and you should pick up Shelby Miller. So, sorry, but not sorry because I told you he was injured for the last three weeks. Don’t confuse my apologies and non-apologies. They are told in different tone and tenor.
Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.45. Fantastic. And if you want to pick him up, do it, just don’t start him until he’s looked good for another month.
Trevor Story – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in three games. A hot schmotato, but he’s going on four straight awful years–Geez, I feel like I could still be talking about Giolito.
Shane McClanahan – Said imaging revealed his arm “couldn’t be better.” Snort. Whatever you say, Shane.
Ryan Pepiot – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Pepiot’s peripherals — Pepipherals? — are so incredibly boring. If you open his player page, it’s better than Ambien. But (here’s where Grey turns the ship around), it’s being driven mostly by a basic April. He was solid in May and June.
Craig Kimbrel – Signed a minor league deal with the Rangers. Nice fit, since his windup includes an inverted W for Whataburger.
Evan Carter – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Fine, schmotato. But begrudgingly!
Wyatt Langford – 2-for-6 and his 12th homer. Rangers showing the world they can develop prospects, not just have their GM Chris Young acquire players, while looking like pulled taffy.
Simeon Woods Richardson – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.74. Maybe will be good at some point, but you’re a bit goofy in the head if you’re trotting him out in any mixed league, i.e., be sans Simeon or you’re in the That-Hurts Castle. Admit you didn’t think I’d land that pun. Admit it right now! No? Okay.
Matt Wallner – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in three games, 3rd homer in five games, and shrugs on whether or not he plays every day. Thinking no, but still has been hot.
Luis Robert Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .184, as he hits 7th, behind two catchers. Robert must be like, “Hello, devil, what do I have to do to get myself off this team? I will sell my soul!”
Shane Smith – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.37 vs. Lance McCullers – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.91. This matchup was of one guy who is 70% rostered, and one guy who is 87% rostered, and it’s not the guy who should be rostered in more leagues, as you likely guessed.
Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.70. He looked like all hope was lost when he was down early (4 ER in the 4th), but Bassitt showing he’s got that dawg in him.
Andres Gimenez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. He had three homers in March and then, like any high school senior might, he took a gap month or two–[googling where he was]–Oh, right, injury. He still had about 120 ABs since his last homer, but that’s not really his thing. Clearly, he gets hot, because he had three homers in March, so maybe this is the start of something.
Alejandro Kirk – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, as he hits third. Captain Kirk beaming up a couple hot schmotatoes.
Miles Mikolas – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.48. Miles only chance at success yesterday was facing the Jays and tripping them up without metric.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Hey, wanna check out this rare Bazooka Joe comic where he says gum’s bad for your teeth? It’s haphazardly placed over by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Not saying Sexy Dr. Pepper’s 100%, but if he gets to the Break with 20 homers and a .260 average, is it that bad?
Griffin Canning – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Hold up, we already gave Jeremy Hefner, the Mets’ pitching coach, the Pulitzer. Don’t make us rescind.
MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.88. He became an ace this year, and you’re hearing bupkis about it. Y’all haters!
Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He has a .293 OBP. That’s amazingly Lowe, indeed.
CJ Abrams – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs hit his 9th homer, hitting .269. Corange Juice got to Canning, which is such a Minute Maid thing to do.
Bryce Miller – Hit the IL with “has been injured from, I’m guessing March, but we’re not really told the truth, so who knows” in the elbow. They’re saying four to six weeks. I’m saying, make other plans.
Logan Evans – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.38, as he was called up to replace Miller. Evans peripherals are so Marginer. In the glossary under Marginer, it should have a picture of Evans wearing a captain’s hat. The captain’s hat is just because those hats are funny.
Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-5 and a homer, and Randy Arozarena (1-for-4) hit a homer. Who has more homers? One guy has two more homers, who is it? One guy has 10 homers and one guy has…12 or 8? Bzzt, bzzt, bzzt! Randy has eight.
Brandon Pfaadt – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.50. I saw Pfaadt’s name and I started shaking, having flashbacks.
Alek Thomas – 3-for-3, 4 runs and a slam (3) and legs (4). Ooh, the most random slam & legs? Need Canzone or someone to top this. (Bottom this?)
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (10) and legs (4), hitting .258. Can’t believe I just let him go in my RCL and now I’m sitting on Parker Meadows, who hit 9th yesterday (WTF), Lars Nootbaar, who randomly doesn’t play, and Kerry Carpenter, who sits vs. lefties. I’m so dumb! I need my Lou-Gu-Ju back!
Noah Cameron – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.17. Hey, do you mind if I leave my Shasta on the bar of this al-Qaeda run bar? Cool! *four hours later*…hey, it sure is drafty in here…Wait, why is my stomach open and there’s price tags on my organs and I’m on the table at a yard sale? AHHH!!! Roofie!!!
Jonathan India – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in a week, hitting near-.350 in the last week. India’s so hot gonna start calling him the West Indies.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer. This home run of his went…hold on, it’s still going. Get back to me.
Austin Wells – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .227. It’s so crazy how there’s more productive catchers than 2nd basemen. Wells is about as good as Altuve!
Max Fried – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.84. It’s not really fair for a guy named Fried to face two of the world’s biggest Italians in the Italian Staglianone and Pasketti. Do you know how distracting that is for my people? Thinking about zeppoles and not hitting, my guys!
Jordan Westburg – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, as he was activated from the IL. Also, Cedric Mullins (0-for-4) was activated and Heston Kjerstad was demoted to the Orioles’ minor league system where they’re stockpiling for an upcoming apocalypse.
Cade Povich – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.46. Wish I would’ve picked up one of the other dozen Cades. You ever see an ERA and feel mocked? That’s how I feel looking at Povich’s. It’s like, “Yeah, I’m great, that’s why I have a 5.46 ERA,” but said so sarcastically.
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Don’t worry, next year when you roster Tork, then he’ll suck again. Sorry, still bitter because I fell for the Povich banana-in-the-ol’-tailpipe.
Sawyer Gipson-Long – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Okay, it’s one thing to follow an Opener. SGL came into the 4th inning! What have you done to baseball, Kevin Cash? You monster!
Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 7.14. Nice, I’m happy for him. If you want to pick him up and bench him until we see this a few more times, then go for it, but I wouldn’t start him off the strength of one start in Pittsburgh.
Oneil Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. He’s been solid, and you know I love him, but he’s cooled off since April when everyone was wishing they drafted him. Still solid! Don’t misunderstand me. Just more in line with what we expected vs. the next level.
Ke’Bryan Hayes – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .226. I don’t want to get emotional here, but it’s a downright shame how he’s depriving all those lovely Korean people, who watch the KBO, of a top-flight KBO All-Star.
Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer. Quietly, a top 60-ish overall player on the Player Rater (though, has been cold very recently).
Ian Happ – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, 3rd homer in two games. Told you he was overdue after his 4th homer; told you to buy him after his 5th homer; now I’m saying to get your hands in we’re shutting the Buy Low window.
Michael Busch – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in four games, hitting .267. At a fairly weak position (1st base, sadly), he’s been solid, around top eight, and next up is Bryce, who is not accruing nothing but nothingburgers.
Aaron Nola – Shut down for a couple of weeks with a stress reaction in his rib. Not sure how it happened, I’d guess from allowing a home run.
Mick Abel – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.35. Block out the voice in your head that is saying, “How good can Misiorowski be when Abel seemed, well, able?” Block it out because Abel has a 2.35 ERA. You could do worse. His opponent, Colin Rea (4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.92), for unstints, is worse.
Max Kepler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Maybe this is the hot schmotato run we always get from Kepler, but I’ve honestly been surprised at how little he’s done this year. He is the type to get hot though, so I wouldn’t be shocked to see it happen now.
Andrew Abbott – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.87. Please welcome to the mound, your NL All-Star Game starter…Paul Skenes! But Abbott will follow him.
Slade Cecconi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.26. Pasketti…Italian Staglianone…Cecconi, don’t look now but the Italians are taking over! Oh, and in case you’re thinking about getting fresh, Roman Anthony’s grandfather, father and brother are all named Anthony Anthony. So, Streamonator for Cecconi, yes, but his 10 K/9, 2/8 BB/9 and 3.86 xFIP could become something and is worth monocle’ing.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3. Sounds like he might be able to get back on the mound in a game prior to the Break. Not sure why the Dodgers would need that, they got Enrique Hernandez as their number four starter.
Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 11 Ks, ERA at 4.28. The five walks are troublesome, but aren’t you glad you started him vs. the Dodgers? You didn’t? Ouch.
Matt Chapman – Hit the IL with hand inflammation. Giants recalled Chris Koss, who makes you jump, jump.
Willy Adames – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Great, he just has to play his games at Coors.
Ryan McMahon – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .215. Great, he just has to play his games at–Wait, okay, so home games.
Jose Soriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.86. As a general rule, you people — yeah, you people! — pay too much attention to what a guy just did vs. what they’re going to do in a good matchup. Streamonator loved this start, and couldn’t imagine not starting him, no matter what he just did the previous time out. Unless a guy is just broken like Pfaadt, for unstints.
Chris Taylor – Hit the IL with a fractured hand. I’m sure the Angels can find someone else for his at-bats. They’ve picked up Scott Kingery, Kevin Newman, Travis d’Arnaud, Kyle Hendricks, Hector Neris, Yoan Moncada, Oscar Colas, LaMonte Wade Jr. and J.D. Davis in just the last year. And I was snort-lauging halfway through that list. I lost it around Kyle Hendricks. I know they’re called the Angels, but do they have to try to raise the dead?
