Hey, Tone, it’s your nephew Christopher. The city’s a mess. I went in there and they charge congestion pricing now. Can you imagine this? Charging me to sit in freakin’ traffic. How about Satriale’s charges to stand in line for gabagool? Paulie said you don’t have to pay the congestion pricing if they don’t see you behind the wheel. You can just say someone stole your car. So I drive around the city wearing a Richard Nixon mask like from Point Break. Anyways, I wanted to tell you about Jac Caglianone. He plays for Kansas City. Nah, he’s not the head of the KC Mafia. He’s a paisan who was playing 1st base, but they have that other paisan there, Vinnie Pasketti, but they moved this new paisan to right field so they can play two paisans at once. Quickly, the Royals becoming my favorite team. Nah, neither are no Joe Pepitone. Blasphemy to think it. So, this Caglianone character, right? Get this, he hit 9 HRs, .322 in 38 games in Double-A, but it gets even more absurd. In his first seven games in Triple-A, he already hit five homers. Bada bing bada boom, this guy. Also, with Super Two date passing–what’s Super Two? I don’t have a freakin’ idea, but it’s something that artificially suppresses rookies. Da hell, right? So’s anyway, he should be up any day now. What does this have to do with that thing I was supposed to do in Kearny? Uh, nothing, just thought you’d be interested. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Carlos Narvaez – Fun fact! Cougs is such a bad driver that are last two autos have been total Carlosses.
Tyler Stephenson – You ever call him Ty, Stephen’s son, and say, “I don’t know him, he was a year older than me.” Hmm, maybe it’s just me.
Gavin Sheets – People started asking about Sheets recently, like they’re at the Bed section of Bed, Bath and Beyond, and it’s (wait for this one, it’s good) BEYOND me how he’s not rostered everywhere already.
Ryan O’Hearn – I’ll be honest with you, guys and five girls, O’Hearn is rosterable in all leagues, and has been the whole year. Not really a weekly Buy.
Abraham Toro – How’s the expression go? Like a bull in a china shop, but Toro’s gonna be a bull in the Korean shop when he’s playing in the KBO in a year? Is that it?
Rhys Hoskins – Sorta same thing as O’Hearn. In fact (Grey’s got more!), both Hoskins and O’Hearn on the Player Rater are in the top 20 for 1st basemen. In fact in fact (What’s Grey cooking now?!), O’Hearn is top 10.
Curtis Mead – Confession Alert! I wrote Mead in last week’s Buy column, then erased him because he’s not facing righties, which is the death for fantasy value, but what’s also the death for fantasy value is being a 2nd baseman. There’s no good ones. Even the good ones, are not good. We talk about this on this week’s podcast, but there’s zero solid 2nd basemen on the Player Rater. But all-season value doesn’t matter for a weekly buy, so Mead has been hot, like we’re at a tent at the Death Valley Ren-Faire.
Brett Baty – Wish I could get more excited about Baty, but hitting 9th just sucks. And if he hits 7th? It’s not much better. Plus, he’s neutrally a 20/5/.230 hitter which is also meh. Wow, this is a rousing declaration of my love for him, huh? Well, him like almost everyone in this post has been hot.
Chase Meidroth – A’la Who’s On First, “Who’s on 2nd?” “I’m running after a thought.” “What are you talking about?” “Chase My-drift!” “What?”
Jose Caballero – He was a popular buy in last Sunday’s FAAB in a few of my leagues, and I get it, it’s not easy to find consistent steals if you need them.
Caleb Durbin – He is barely striking out 8% of the time and has a BABIP that is crazy low–Wait, I just looked at his HardHit%. So, that’s bad, but he does have speed.
Marcelo Mayer – Here’s my Marcelo Mayer fantasy. One word about this week’s Jac Cannoli special vs. the German Mayer wiener, if Cannoli’s called up, he’s here to stay with huge power. Mayer might be sent down when Bregman returns. They’re not the same.
Roman Anthony – Here’s my Roman Anthony fantasy. Maybe next week, maybe the week after, maybe the Red Sox are dumb and don’t want to win.
Matt Shaw – It wasn’t that long ago I told you my Matt Shaw fantasy. It was roughly ten days ago. Get your memory checked, you’re slipping.
Leody Taveras – He’s a sneaky Caballero in the outfield. Call him a Secret Cabal-ero.
Sal Frelick – He’s an even sneakier Caballero in the outfield. Call him a Secret Cabal-in-a-lair-ero.
Alejandro Osuna – Here’s what I said the other day, “Promoted by the Rangers. Ooh, they bought billboards for him? Saw someone say that Osuna was called up because the Rangers’ offense was lackluster, then I looked at his Triple-A numbers and I chuckled. He had a line of 2/9/.279 in 154 ABs. Ha, that’ll fix them. I guess he’s fine in a deep league if you need steals.” And that’s me quoting me!
Jorge Soler – I need power in a few leagues so I grabbed Soler. Am I currently trying to talk into existence a hot streak from him for power? Yeah, maybe, what’s it to you?
Dean Kremer – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to a CVS.
Edward Cabrera – This is also a Streamonator call. “Can you put me on with your aisle four cash register? I think I went to school with its cousin.”
Ronny Henriquez – Chief Justice Henriquez says, “ORDER! ORDER! Order in the Marlins’ pen!” Then 2025 Marlins Manager says, “No, you’re out of order!” and switches the order he uses the relievers in the 7th thru 9th inning for no reason. I’m pretty sure 2025 Marlins Manager is just amusing himself by changing the closer once a week. “Bender’s the closer…No, it’s Tinoco!…No, it’s Faucher!…No, it’s Chief Justice Henriquez…No, it’s last year’s manager Skip Schumacher?”
Robert Garcia – Kumar Rocker is also supposedly going to be tried as the closer, and I will hold back my poo-poo’ing until he does a stinker, and until until then, it could be Garcia.
Daniel Palencia – Only problem I’ve had with Palencia is I want to always write his name as Danny. Check him out, it’s Mr. Formality, Daniel Palencia. “Ooh, don’t come casual at me, bro. I’m Daniel.” Get over yourself, man!
Bryan King – There’s a bunch of kickass-take-no-names-because-I-don’t-have-a-pen-and-paper-to-write-down-the-names relievers in MLB. I like to give you one middle reliever a week, and I have a huge plethora of guys to choose from, Bryan King is but one. By the way, I know what you’re thinking, don’t name your baby girl Plethora.
SELL
Austin Riley – As previously described in my magnum opus, My Struggles with Sells, it’s not about guys who are doing bad — I could tell you to sell Marcus Semien, Luis Robert Jr., Willy Adames, Santander — but no one is buying them. It’s about finding guys who have some actual value in a trade. So, that brings us back to Austin Riley. His HardHit% is down, his BABIP is way up and his Ks are up. Oh, and he’s currently on pace for a 27/4/.260 season. I don’t know what to tell you there, but that’s boring news. Not good, not bad, but boring. That might be where Jake Burger ends up after he was sent down for being stinky-stinky [Darth Vader firing farts] “Pew-pew.” How’sever, I do think you can get something for Riley in a trade. Wouldn’t trade Austin Riley for a 15-minute explainer on what the hell The Entity is in the new Mission Impossible movie, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
