Eugenio Suarez goes back to the Mariners, and you have to imagine it’ll be nice for him to see some familiar faces and sights. Flying into the city again for the first time, Eugenio looks out at the Space Needle, wistfully, he asks, “When did they add that Giant Peach?” It’s gotta be nice for him to return where the dead fish fly into newspaper, the music smells of grunge and coffee smells of grind. [breathes in] Too bad the park sucks. What will Eugenio do in Seattle? Let’s put on our big Smart Guy hats and try to calculate it! Oh, I know, we can just look. One year, he hit 31 homers and .236 and one year he hit 22 homers and .232 in 162 games. Yeah, maybe the park does factor. He is way more locked-in this year (he had the most homers for a player in a midseason trade), so maybe he’s returning as a new-and-improved hitter. I 100% doubt it, but maybe. His last 162 games: .273, 53 HRs, 134 RBIs, so maybe he is better. Still doubt it. But maybe. Perhaps he’ll see former teammate Josh Naylor and he’ll tell him the secret to success in Seattle: Steal a base every game to keep your fantasy people happy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, and, like, 19th homer since the break. How nice would it be if he actually had a solid 1st half? Ooh, ooh! [raises hand] I’ll answer! It would be nice!
Randy Arozarena – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer, and yesterday he achieved the 20/20 club for the 5th time. He is a Rice Bowl best served hot, bibimbap!
Brent Rooker – 2-for-4 and a slam (23) and legs (4), 2nd homer in two games. Whatever, wake me when he’s good! Hey, wait a minute, I am awake.
Miguel Andujar – 2-for-4 and two homers (5, 6). Yankees could use someone like that.
Darell Hernaiz – 2-for-3 and a slam (1) and legs (1). We have a new most random slam & legs of the season! Move over Kyle Isbel!
Mason Miller – A’s had a lead and chose not to use Miller to (pun) save him for a trade today, possibly. Grab Jack Perkins, if you want those sweet A’s saves.
Jhoan Duran – Traded to the Phils, which means Jhoan goes from being a Twinkie to a Tastykake. This trade went down on July 30th, which means Matt Strahm will be closing for them on September 1st. I’m sorry, Duran, the curse of Brad Lidge is too powerful. You cannot overcome. You can merely try! Jordan Romano tried! Matt Strahm and Orion Kerkering tried! David Robertson almost tried! Seranthony Dominguez tried! Jose Alvarado tried! Craig Kimbrel tried! Corey Knebel tried! Hector Neris tried for like three years! Jeanmar Gomez tried–Well, he barely tried. Hopefully, Jhoan is stronger than some stupid Curse of Brad Lidge (established in 2011). In Minny-Soda, Griffin Jax stonks to the moon. Unless they get a new pitching coach named Brad Lidge. Then cursed! Even a guy named Lad Ridge would be bad.
Ryan Helsley – Headed to the Mets. Wow! Mets vs. Phils in the pen wars! It’s like Ali vs. Frazier! Um, Ali Jesus Castillo vs. Todd Frazier. Or I guess Ali-ec Bohm vs. Walt Frazier throwing out the first pitch? I don’t know! Ya know what, you figure out a comp for once! Helsley loses almost all value in the Mets’ pen and, boy, that sucks in the leagues where I have him. Not super happy about this! In St. Louie, I’d go with Phil Maton, who’s been excellent.
Tyler Rogers – Traded to the Mets. That’s a solid addition for the playoffs, but he really should be on the Twins. Taylor Rogers and Tyler Rogers were both involved in trades yesterday, and Mom Rogers blew through her monthly new uni allowance in one day.
Clay Holmes – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.45. No worries, he’ll be in the bullpen by, when’s the trade deadline, uh, deadline?
Francisco Alvarez – Left the game after taking a foul tip off his melon. Mets’ pitcher/catcher battery took battery literally and figuratively.
Gavin Sheets – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (2). He’s been miserable since roughly June 1st.
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.46. Vintage Yu. Will you get Vintage Yu again next time? Impossible to say, but he’s usually been solid when healthy.
Mick Abel – Headed to the Twins in the Duran deal, and joining Abel is catcher, Eduardo Tait. Twins could make Abel into a big-league ace, but I got a pile of couldas and shouldas that I’d love to sell you from my 50% off pile.
Matt Wallner – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Well, four games for him, I don’t know if it’s in Twins games, because Baldelli refuses to play anyone consistently, whether they’re hot or not.
Zebby Matthews – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.67. I can sense if a guy is only being asked about for AL-Only leagues, and Zebby is not; he’s being asked about for mixed leagues. Seems a bit crazy.
Trevor Story – 2-for-3, 2 runs, and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Ya know who he’s setting up, right? The people who next year say stuff like, “You go ahead and draft Trea Turner, I’m gonna take Story ten rounds later and get all the value!”
Jarren Duran – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hopefully he gets traded just so I can get mad at the Sawx.
Masataka Yoshida – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2). Damn, just his luck he had the 2nd most random slam & legs the day Hernaiz achieved it.
Brayan Bello – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.19. Gave you a Brayan Bello fantasy not that long ago. Nothing’s changed but the date.
Ke’Bryan Hayes – Traded to the Reds for Sammy Satura and Taylor Rogers. Damn, the Reds have never met a corner infielder who was not really that good that they can’t get excited about. From Jeimer to Noelvi to CES to Ke’Bryan, the halls in Cincy are littered with corner infielder gloves that fit well and next to each glove it says, “If you see a bat, please contact” with a phone number. Personally, I like my 3rd baseman to be able to hit, but to each their own, I suppose.
Zack Littell – Traded to the Reds. Prior to the trade, he went 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.58 on the Rays vs. the Yanks. He had a 1.2 BB/9 coming into this game but he threw four walks yesterday. What the Litt-hell? I don’t know, but pretty bizarre. How bizarre, he says, wondering if that’s a TikTok trend still, but thinking that might’ve been last week or four years ago. Littell gives up a ton of homers, so I didn’t love him, and don’t think this helps his value. Prolly stays pretty neutral. Who is in the Rays’ rotation is now an excellent question. Maybe Taj Bradley returns from the minors, maybe Joe Rock. No, I didn’t make up that name. Can’t you smell what he’s cooking?
Blake Snell – Will start on Saturday. Woohoo! I’m basking in this news because in two days, when he goes 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, I will no longer be basking.
Shohei Ohtani – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.40, 0-for-5. At the end of his outing, he threw a few pitches that missed badly and left with a trainer. They said it was cramps, and he stayed in to hit, so I’m guessing he’s fine, Shruggy the Emoji.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Gonna go out on a pretty sturdy limb here and say you have no idea how low Freeman is on the Player Rater. He’s not a top 50 player next year; I’m not sure he’s top 100.
Austin Slater – Traded to the Yankees. ‘Member Eddie Murphy’s Raw bit with momma’s making her own burger rather than getting it from McDonald’s? Yankees are making a whole team out of homemade burgers.
Trent Grisham – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer. Well, sure, he’s hitting leadoff in front of Judge–Oh wait.
Will Warren – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.64. A downright normal outing from him. Usually it’s like 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 Ks. Will Warren, get normal in your old age?
Colson Montgomery – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games, third homer in a week games, fifth homer since the Break and holy schmotatoes!
Miguel Vargas – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Also, in this game, Edgar Quero (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer, and Kyle Teel (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 2nd homer. Each rounded the bases saying the same thing, “Please, Luis Robert, take us with you.”
Brandon Marsh – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Said this yesterday, but Marsh is good for 10-14 homers on the year, and has some in the tank still.
Cal Quantrill – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.79. If this is his last outing with the Marlins, I just want to be the first to say, Calrrivederci.
Jesus Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .256. Speaking of trades, Jesus would look good with the Padres. Not to play, but to make wine.
Calvin Faucher – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.73, and his 10th save. Wonder if 2025 Marlins’ Manager even knows Ronny Henriquez is the closer.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – Diagnosed with a calf strain, which sounds like good news. Unless you’re the cow giving birth. Acuña will miss two to three weeks.
MacKenzie Gore – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.80. Sigh. I guess the good news is he’ll be affordable in drafts next year.
Ramon Urias – Traded to the Astros. He could’ve just kept his original team and played for the AstrO’s. O’s well. Speaking of O’s, I wonder if they’ve asked the commissioner if it’s okay if they just trade the entire team and not play anymore. Astros have two spots for Urias to play, but all Urias needs is one hole [places hand under armpit, makes farting noise]. Camden was best in baseball for homers, after Dodgers Stadium and The Big Radish, Daikin, is middle of the pack. Urias is more or less who he is.
Yainer Diaz – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Picking your catcher scab rarely works out.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. One of the all-time great short guys. Ranking of short guys: 1. The Rizzler (if a little person and not kid, I don’t know), 2. Me 3. There’s no 3. 4. Altuve. [finger to earbud] What am I doing on that list? I’m 5′ 7″ and three-quarters! That’s almost average!
Ryan Gusto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.92. Incredible how he out-pitched Gore. Yes, I’m still annoyed! Streamonator hates Gusto with, uh, gusto.
Kerry Carpenter – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Carpenter nailed it!
Tyler Locklear – Headed to the DBacks in the Suarez trade. Crazy, Locklear traded on the same day the Pirates got Sambora Satura. Locklear went 19/18/.316 with a 21.9% K% in Triple-A and I’m unsure why he was in the minors, but he shouldn’t be anymore. Seems like a NL-Only grab for now, and will monocle for mixed leagues.
Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.77. Tigers fixed him already? Wow, send them Sandy Alcantara! Actually, am I being sarcastic here or not? I’m not even sure. I wouldn’t trust Paddack, yet.
Jake Rogers – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Can’t throw the ball anywhere in Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood. Hey, I just realized it should be Mr. Rogers’s Neighborhood. What the eff, Fred!
Logan Webb – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 11 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Webb gem!
Mike Burrows – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Something to keep in mind from now until the end of the year. It’s not a bad idea to stream against teams who are selling and/or out of it. This game was of two teams selling and/or done. With that said, Burrows’s peripherals look solid — 9.3 K/9, 3.3 BB/9, 3.81 xFIP in 58 IP — and had great stats in the minors, if a bit old (he’s 25). Likely Streamonator in mixed leagues, but worth a monocle.
Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. If that is his last game with the O’s, he’ll–Kidding! O’s will never trade O’Hearn and play their prospects. Don’t be ridiculous.
Jordan Westburg – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. He hit five homers in July with a near-.350 average. Yeah, that’s pretty good.
Nathan Lukes – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. He’ll be in this week’s Buy column, which I know because it’s already on the Patreon.
Myles Straw – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. So committed to being Straw he’s always sucking.
Luis Garcia – Traded to the Angels. No, not that one. The RP one. Why? No idea. Angels also got Andrew Chafin, and Nats got back Jake Elder and Sam Brown. I want those keystrokes back.
Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.49 vs. Jose Soriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.65. This was a matchup of one team that is buying and one team that is selling, and the team buying is behind the one selling by three games.
Freddy Peralta – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.08. We had avoided the Slumdog Millionaire bathroom-month of FreddyKBB stats so far. Brace yourself for the incoming doodie, it’s his way.
William Contreras – 2-for-4 and his 7th and 8th homer. Welcome to the 2025 season, William!
Andrew Kittredge – Traded to the Cubs. Kittredge brings with him a lot of drama, starring Francis McDormand.
Mike Soroka – Traded to the Cubs. Underlying numbers say he should be a lot better. A lot better than Colin Rea, Cade Horton, and Ben Brown. Will Soroka show up, give up a quick 5 ER, and be relegated to long relief or bump someone else and live up to his promise? Not sure, but it’s worth monocle’ing to see. My guess is Soroka’s value went up, but not much higher than a Streamonator call in shallower mixed leagues.
Michael Busch – 1-for-5 and his 21st homer. He hit a leadoff homered off FreddyKBB, because FreddyKBB sucked yesterday. Well, not only that reason, but I’m bitter.
Ian Happ – 1-for-2 and his 15th homer. Didn’t go to the IL, as I previously reported. I wanted to apologize–[cane drags me off stage, shakes loose] What the hell? I heard he was injured and he wasn’t. Cubs still brought up Moises Ballesteros (1-for-2, 3 RBIs), after they DFA’d Vidal Brujan instead. Brujan’s gone because Happ’s shin is fine–[cane drags me off stage again].
