Cam Schlittler (5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks) made his debut. [trying to suppress giggle at his name, Schlittler] Guess it’s better than being Cam Scatler. I am shaking my head disapprovingly at his Only Fans. “Honey, are you drawing a little mustache on your turd? Oh my, that is so hot, you are the one and only Cam Scatler.” That’s someone watching an Only Fans hosted by a German. El oh el, I said “hosted.” I don’t know what it’s called. Hosted! I am still laughing at myself. Any hoo! Cam Schlittler (Holy Names, Batman) had a 11.6 K/9, 3.1 BB/9, 2.82 ERA in the minors this year in 76 2/3 IP. Itch has said nothing of him, guessing he’s not a fan, Only or otherwise. Watched him last night and his stuff reads to me like a reliever. Overpowering stuff that he can’t figure out where it’s going. The command is not good. You can get take a 100 MPH fastball, 94 MPH slider, 86 MPH curve and Stuff It Out in the minors. In the majors, that becomes more of an issue. Luis Gil is returning soon, but the Yanks could shuffle Stroman to the pen and let Schlittler stay in the rotation, or do the opposite. Imagine it will be the latter, and I’d only trust Schlittler against less patient teams, unless he scares them by doing a Dirty Sanchez with a very tiny mustache, as his name implies. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
DJ LeMahieu – Designated for assignment. Yankees fans were shocked, one asked, “Why didn’t they trade him for Paul Skenes?” 3B options for Yankees: Oswald Peraza, Jorbit Vivas, JC Escarra, you in your softball uniform, and Jeimer Candelario, that order. Tomorrow’s headline today: Rockies bring LeMahieu back on a six-year, $120 million deal.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer. Since returning from the IL, 9 HRs, 24 RBIs, 4 SBs and hitting over .300. Can Jazz please stay hot through the All-Star Break? Please.
Cole Young – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Cole Old is a diamond.
J.P. Crawford – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Has hits in all but one game dating back to June 25th. You hang ’em, Crawford bangs ’em!
Randy Arozarena – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .247. The Rice Bowl has turned around his whole season in the last five weeks. He’s now almost identical on the Player Rater as teammate, JRod. That’s good for Rice, bad for JRod.
Jorge Polanco – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. JoPo ain’t short for Jorge poke, but it could be.
Jarren Duran – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in two games and moved back to the leadoff spot. Hey, someone remembered how to hit!
Romy Gonzalez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Just told you he was a schmotato and now I’m saying: Yup.
Wilyer Abreu – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Also, in this game, Carlos Narvaez (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 8th homer. Cool of the Rockies to now travel with Coors.
Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.36. This was vs. the Rockies so [raspberries lips] but he has six straight Quality Starts. Zoinks!
Andrew Abbott – 7 2/3 IP, 1ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.07. We’ve reached the part of the program where I don’t even want to think about how Abbott is doing for fear of jinxing him. Moving on!
Noelvi Marte – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I sighed so loudly when he homered because I know that’s going to get people in the comments like, “Noelvi or Vlad Jr.? What does your handsome face think?” Doesn’t matter that Noelvi hasn’t done anything in close to two months or that he’s hitting 9th or that he was replaced in the late innings. People love them some Noelvi.
Will Benson – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in the week, and I grabbed him in two leagues because the Hitter-Tron was horny for him. Look at Hitter-Tron getting a rare glow-up in the roundup.
Sandy Alcantara – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.22. Marlins want to trade him so bad they’re ignoring all warning signs, and just patting him on the butt and sending him out there.
Cade Horton – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.45. Increasingly becoming the Brad Pitt in Moneyball, “If he’s a good pitcher, why doesn’t he pitch good?” Guy.
Matt Wallner – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in five games, and if I say he’s hot, Baldelli will bench him for no reason. Hey, yo, it’s Rocco Baldelicatestingsplits.
Kris Bubic – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.48. He could do 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER the rest of the way and have a remarkably solid year. (Yes, ‘remarkably solid’ is a vague, amorphous qualifier, but you know what I’m saying. I’m going to come up with more exacting definition for players during the break.)
Salvador Perez – 3-for-4, and his 12th and 13th homer, and four homers in four games. Sal P. looks like a 230-pound baby. I won’t be taking questions on this.
Jac Caglianone – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Bet you’re upset you gave up on him. Not because you’re not getting these homers, but because now the mafia’s coming after you.
James Wood – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer. The J-the-I-the-M-the-M-the-Y, it’s Jimmy Wood!
Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .235. More like the Washington Nathaniels!
MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.02. If he had the same number of wins as Clay Holmes (8), Gore would be in the 70’s overall on the Player Rater.
Brandon Walter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.98. I admittedly love Walter more than most people, but his peripherals are stunningly beautiful — 8.9 K/9, 0.4 BB/9, 2.90 xFIP, gimme gimme gimme.
Slade Cecconi – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Didja know Slade Cecconi’s is a place that makes concrete-filled boots? Yeah, I’m a trivia buff. Any hoo! Slade’s peripherals aren’t much worse than Walter’s: 9.2 K/9, 3 BB/9, 3.89 xFIP, but the walks are higher and thus more risky.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (17) and legs (25), hitting .301, and three homers in three games, back-to-back slam and legs and Jo-Jo is making a final push to get moved up in my top 100 for the 2nd half. (Out next week! Or this Friday on Patreon!)
Angel Martinez – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-4, and his 10th and 11th homer, hitting .336. Tildaddy passes Gunnar Henderson in power in less than half the games!
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 12th homer. The fix for every Braves hitter was apparently a terrible A’ss pitcher in Bing Bong Stadium. Also, in this game, Drake Baldwin (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 11th, and Austin Riley (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 14th homer. Michael Harris II and Ozzies Albies? 0-for-7, but zero strikeouts!
Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.88. As soon as I say you should drop him, he’ll fix everything, so DROP HIM! Please!
Geraldo Perdomo – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, a grand slam. That Cease gave up a grand slam to Perdomo, and a home run to James McCann (his 2nd), I don’t know even know. Cease is just broken, and I wish they’d IL him to save me from starting him.
Gavin Sheets – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .261. Gavin Sheets to the wind!
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer. That’s 49 homers since last All-Star Break, and only Judge (58) and Ohtani (56) have more.
Corbin Carroll – 1-for-5 and his 21st homer, and 2nd day in a row with a ball that traveled over the fence, only on Tuesday he was robbed. I point this out because it’s great to see his wrist looks healed.
Brandon Pfaadt – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.16. Where the hell has that been?
Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, and three homers in four games. We’ve seen this so many times before. By the end of July, it’s gonna end in an IL stint.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. He’s the type to get red-hot for a short period of time, so maybe a quick little How’s your father before the break?
Marcus Semien – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. Fun fact! Marcus Semien translates to “bath towel in a cheap hotel with a blacklight over it.”
Bryce Harper – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 3 doubles and his 10th homer, and his 1st four extra base hit game of his career. “Hey, we could just sit on his torso and use his body for the log flume ride–Hold on! He moved! Bryce is alive!”
Jesus Luzardo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.14. This guy’s damaged me so badly that the Phils were the only game on TV yesterday at one point, and I was like, “Hey, Cougs, you can watch And Just Like That for the third time, if you want.” Luzardo could be cruising, then suddenly put up an eight spot. He scares me!
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer. June was a bit of a down month for Schwarber from his usual Juneroics, but July’s here and Schwarbomb’s lighting fuses.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.70. Went to look at his monthly splits to see if there was anything to ascertain and, no, I don’t think there is. Streamonator never likes him anymore, and I don’t blame the robot.
Junior Caminero – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 22nd homer. The Matchbox is on a 38/9 pace, a sniff and prayer from a 40/10 season. Don’t mind if I do!
Zack Littell – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Giving up around one walk per start and at 1.3 BB/9, which helps keep his terrible starts at bay, but his 6.2 K/9 wouldn’t exactly chicken the tendies.
Reese Olson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.95. Trust the Tigers’ pitching coaches, and I like Olson [whispers] ….make like the anti-Cal Raleigh and don’t give us a but… [louder] But! [whispers a sigh] He’s been iffy since his return from the IL. Gotta show us something here, Olson.
Adrian Houser – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.56. Between innings, he vomited. He chucked chunks in the dugout. Thought he was on the Brew Crew, turned out it was the Blew Crew. More like Adrian Needs-An-Out-Houser. In case you missed the big picture here: He has a 1.56 ERA in 57 2/3 IP. Mets are so good developing pitchers they don’t even need them to still be on the Mets. Is Houser pitching anywhere close to how good his ERA is? Ha, are you crazy? No, not remotely. Here’s the thing though: No one at the end of the year says, “Sorry, you can’t win your league with a pitcher who has an ERA better than it should be.”
Freddie Freeman – 0-for-4, 2 Ks, hitting .299. Andrew Vaughn looks more locked in than Freeman. Cust kayin’.
Tyler Glasnow – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.52, as he was activated from the IL. Here’s Tyler Glasnow any day that ends in Y: Rolls out of bed. If injured, goes back to bed. If healthy, pitches a great game.
Tanner Scott – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.86, as he blew his 6th save. Roberts did him no favors bringing him into the 8th inning, but Tanner is going to excel in two weeks in exactly that 8th inning role when Kyle Finnegan is pitching the 9th for the Dodgers.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.28. He’s a poor man’s Seth Lugo. Call him Meth Lugo.
