I made char sui pork recently. Was very good, easy too! Slather a bunch of stuff on the pork belly, roast it for five hours and slob-down on the oink. Nah’mean? That feeling I had when I was slob-downing on the oink that was what it was like having so many of these Jays/Twins hitters! ELLLLL EFFFFF GEEEE! High five me! Virtually! Starting off the attack, was a guy who I kinda left for dead, if being honest, Byron Buxton (2-for-5, 3 runs) hit his 26th and 27th homer. I’ll admit that I thought he might’ve been still injured and he wasn’t himself after he returned. Mea culpa, BB, you are once again on your Career Year Thing. CYT, as Michael Jackson would’ve sang. Next up, Luke Keaschall (2-for-5, hitting .337) hit his 4th homer. Weird to say this about a guy with only four homers, but I really like Keaschall. Feels like the star we were promised with Royce Lewis and others is finally going to deliver. Next up, Brooks Lee (1-for-5) hit his 14th homer. Opened his player page, cracking my fingers, expecting to see some real nice stuff! And it was fine, but not R&B F-I-N-E. Three homers and .300 in the last two weeks. Not bad for an MI. Going across the diamond with another huge night, this time from Davis Schneider (2-for-3, 3 runs) hit his 9th and 10th homer. The fun thing with good teams like the Jays and Brewers, they get contributions from everyone. It doesn’t mean you have to consider them for fantasy. Moving on! Andres Gimenez (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Certifiable lover boy, certifiable hot schmotato alert! Finally, and this one I bring you with some consternation, Ty France (1-for-1) hit his 7th homer. This was a pinch-hit home run, but enough about that! How we allowing a France in Canada to play our National Pastime?! Fellas, what gives? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-3, 4 runs and his 11th and 12th homer, nine homers in August, that’s a lot. Imagine a lot of people will forget about him next year in drafts, and I might be one of his defenders. If it weren’t for the suspension, he’d be on close to the same pace as last year when he was valuable, and Snitker falls in love with a lineup and Profar is his leadoff man.
Matt Olson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, or about twice as many homers as Profar had in August. David Spade voice, “Falling star.”
Michael Harris II – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .251. He has eight homers in August. This month of August was how the Braves’ offense was supposed to operate all year, just an eff why eye.
Ozzie Albies – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 13th homer, 3rd homer in two games. It took 18 months, but are we finally seeing daylight? Is Albies sure? Wait, that was Night & Day.
Joey Wentz – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.92. I wouldn’t even use the Streamonator for him. There’s no way.
Ryan Gusto – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 5.67. Even when he’s terrible, he’s terrible with Gusto. For that, I applaud him. But it’s one of those applauses where you’re eating an ice cream cone with one hand and smacking the side of your leg with your other hand. A leg clap.
Luis Robert Jr. – Grade 2 hamstring strain and could miss the rest of the year. Oh, well, at least he had a solid season in 2023.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. I’m very heavily pot-committed to Sal P., drafting him in a lot of two-catcher leagues around 150 in the preseason, and he continues to be as safe as they come for what he does (he dongs).
Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting leadoff for some reason. Every time he homers once, he homers in his very next game, then not again for ten days. It’s science.
Ryan Bergert – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.67. I like him, but this was vs. the Shite Sux, so there’s that, but his next start doesn’t scare me either. We keep on, keepin’ on.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.19. If he didn’t pitch well at home vs. the Pirates, I was going to drive to St. Louis and throw him into the nearest lake, bodybuilding on the way there so I could hoist him.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (42) and legs (4). When you have Eugenio stealing bags, I like your managing philosophy! Give me more of that insanity!
Bryan Woo – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Bryan Woo‘s streak of pitching six innings in every start this year is snapped because managers must insist to the world that they don’t know what’s going on. Like he couldn’t have thrown to one more hitter. He was at 95 pitches. I don’t care the bases were loaded, don’t bother me with facts.
Yu Darvish – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.66. Darvish had a nice career, but this ain’t him. Get on the back of Carlos Lee and ride off into the sunset.
Brayan Bello – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.99. You know that rhyme, red sun in the morning, sailor take warning? We need some kind of rhyme like that for starting pitchers. If they’re under three ERA, they’re fine, but over 5, they’re nein. Somewhere in the middle, Streamonator to solve the riddle.
Roman Anthony – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Wish we were getting insane speed here, but maybe I’m being unreasonable for a rookie. I’m just thinking about drafting a rookie next year in the top 30 who just went 10/7/.290, because you know that’s where he’s going. Maybe a little off there, but not far. Hype be real, as my neck tattoo says.
Ceddanne Rafaela – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .249. Let me guess, he wasn’t playing 2nd base.
Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.04, and his 26th save. Hasn’t allowed a hit in 41 consecutive batters. Hey, Chat, is that good?
Nolan McLean – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.89, 93 pitches, 69 strikes. I already gave you a Nolan McLean fantasy, and yesterday was a Jonah Tong fantasy, so I don’t want to make like I’m from Staten Island with a Mother Mary on my lawn and a cornicello hanging from my neck, but what we have here with McLean looks extremely special. He mowed down a lineup that is not an easy-mowdown-able bunch of hitters in the Phils. I watched six innings (then had to make dinner, not gabagool) and was blown away by how good he looked. 96 MPH two-seamer on the bottom of the zone with an 88 MPH sweeper that was unhittable to righties coming from the same arm slot. He threw basically no balls. Realmuto was only one I saw even close to walking (he likely walked him but favorable strike call). Anyways, stunning. Impressive.
Mark Vientos – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 4th homer in a week. Why couldn’t he have been doing this in May?
Joc Pederson – 2-for-6, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in three games, third homer in a week. Big Baby Pederson should’ve been DFA’d and playing in Korea come May, but he was not and he’s hot now.
Adolis Garcia – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 18th homer. Rangers’ entire team took a dead cat bounce last night.
Corey Seager – 2-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in two games. That gives him a whopping 50 RBIs! He left the game early because he needed to be placed in bubble wrap by 8 PM or he’d turn to a pumpkin. Call him Cinderfella.
Kyle Higashioka– 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. God forbid Seager stay in the game and get to face some position players pitching or something.
Jack Kochanowicz – 3 1/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 6.81. “Damn, Gotchanosewitz,” if that’s what Dick Cheney said after the hunting accident.
Christian Moore – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .2o2. I feel legitimately bad for Angels’ prospects that they have no decent coaches. He looks as overmatched as Jo Adell in his first seven years in MLB.
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .264. There was a good three months there were it looked like Lowe might be the best 2nd baseman. Now he’s in danger of falling out of the top 10 2nd basemen on the Player Rater.
Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.64. Guess the Rays aren’t shutting him down until he has a flexor strain.
Slade Cecconi – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.41. Streamonator loved this start of his and hates his next one, and I agree.
Noelvi Marte – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. He’s made legit strides with his contact this year, and has become a better hitter. Big-time 2026 sleeper season incoming for him.
Nick Lodolo – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.22 as he was activated from the IL. He’s returning from a blister. This was brought to you by Blistex. If you’re blistering, Blistex! Any hoo! He seemed a little rusty, but I still like him.
Shohei Ohtani – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4,18, and threw his season-high pitches, 87, and 1-for-5, 1 run. It’s end of August and he’s finally reached the point where I’d use him as a pitcher. You were wondering about him pitching in May! Yes, you were. Oh, forget it, we’re not even being honest with ourselves.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. A fan favorite! He’s almost as beloved in LA as OJ.
Cam Smith – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. That’s cool, glad he unretired. Wish he would’ve brought back Yordan–Wait, he’s playing again too? They both unretired? And they both did what?!
Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. OH MY GOD IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE. Though, he has four homers at the end of August. He should have that after two games in March! What a waste of a 2nd round pick, man. I’m not sure I can forgive him. A 13-homer month of September would help.
Rafael Devers – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer. If he gets to 32 homers, that’ll be a push on what I think he should’ve done vs. what he did do, and I will stop hatin’.
Matt Chapman – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Giants finally remembered it was an odd-numbered year.
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .266. In May, he seemed so promising. In June, July and August, I didn’t want to be Ramos’ing. Last night, he sadly got a jack off Reese McGuire. Turned about is fair play, I suppose.
Nico Hoerner – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. You’re makin’ me Hoerner, baby! Yay! No, not really, if being honest.
Luis Morales – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.19. In Bing Bong, that’s nothing to scoff at, you scoffer! His command worries me a bit, but he could catch some teams snoozing on his stuff before they’ve seen him a few times.
Zack Gelof – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .111. Good stuff (if this were April). Sorry if you have parenthetical blindness.
Max Fried – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Yankees jumped out to a huge early lead and Fried cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.
Trent Grisham – 1-for-5 and his 26th homer. If Kevin Newman were the Yanks’ leadoff hitter, he’d have 56 homers. You have to take my word for it.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 41st homer. Not bad for a guy with a normal-sized ass for a 6′ 7″ guy.
Cody Bellinger – 3-for-4 and his 25th homer. Looked like the Yankees picked up on something with Cade Cavalli’s delivery as they whispering to each other, “He throws meatballs.” You know the guy’s throwing real hot garbage when Ryan McMahon (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) homers, his 18th and his 1st ever away from Coors, I think. Also, in this game, Austin Wells (1-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 18th, and Ben Rice (3-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 22nd.
Cade Cavalli – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.11. He isn’t DFA-eligible because as the rules state “a starter will remain with his team as long as he holds Volpe hitless.”
Blaze Alexander – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, as he hits 2nd. Though, not exactly well. Two homers in last week is nice, barely hitting .225 is not exactly setting the world *pinkie to mouth*a Blaze.
Geraldo Perdomo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in five games. More like Percincojugos! Got him! Did I? My Spanish is a little rusty.
Ryne Nelson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Guy keeps his ERA respectable and I check in on him, and Ryne’s stats are incredibly yawnstipating.
Andrew Saalfrank – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.35 and his 3rd save. In one league where I got this save, I literally stood and started clapping, I needed it so bad. Want saves? Better call Saalfrank.
Quinn Priester – Was moved to Saturday, as he was scratched with a wrist injury. The last Priest, er, with a wrist injury–[Cancel Police break down the door] I didn’t even say anything yet!!!
Trevor Megill – Hit the IL with a flexor strain in his right arm. [crosses fingers and looks up whether Megill throws with his right arm] Doh! Don’t like that news, I don’t think…[crosses fingers, googles if Megill can throw with his left arm] Doh again! Come on! So, Brewers are saying Megill might only need a minimum IL stint. Ow, eyeroll headache! I’d guess Megill misses three or so weeks. If I were the Brewers, I’d baby him back to have him healthy for the playoffs. I’d grab Abner Uribe and Shelby Miller, it could be either, I’d guess in that order. Lot of people will say it’s absolutely Abner, but Miller has experience, and there’s no worries about upping his usage or cost.
Erick Fedde – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.71 as he was signed by the Brewers. Their new closer! But not as the term “closer” is usually applied. Here it’s being used like this: A Brewers fan opens the box score, Fedde’s pitching and the Brewers are losing by nine, then the fan closes the box score.
