Bubba….just killed a man (with his fastball)
Put a fastball against his head, pulled the trigger, now he’s dead!
Bubba….ooh weeee oooh, life had just begun
But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away (passed ball, passed ball)
Bubba!!! OOH…didn’t mean to make you cry (by dropping you for Charlie Morton because I needed a streamer)
If I’m not back again on waivers to pick you up by your call-up date tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters (for 50% of my teams are dead in the water as we head into the last month)
BUBBA BIA BUBBA BIA! BUBBA BIA LET ME GO! So, the Pirates finally called up Bubba Chandler aka Bubba Bia Bubba Bia and I have to say I’m very excited to watch him pitch and next to zero level of excitement for him in fantasy. He’s coming up as a bulk reliever, so you’re gonna get maybe 15-20 IP with nice Ks. In most leagues you can juggle Jacob Lopez, JT Ginn and Jeffrey Springs with the roster spot you’re using on Bubba Bia Bubba Bia and have one FrankenA’s pitcher who will do better than the number one pitching prospect. For dynasty? I’d be running my stupid ass through a wall Kool-Aid Man-style if I had Bubba Bia Bubba Bia. That’s not to say I wouldn’t grab him everywhere in redrafts, if you have room and middle relievers pay dividends in your league, he could be flat-out sexy for the final 20 IP he’s allowed to throw. He does struggle with command and had a 4.05 ERA in Triple-A, so again: FrankenA’s will be better. Or maybe Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me. As for Parker Messick (6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks) in his 1st MLB start yesterday. Yes, he could be more worthwhile than Bubba this year too. Who knows, maybe long-term too. Pitchers are hard to account for. Some said Messick had the best change in college. Here’s what Hobbs said three (!) years ago before he was even drafted, “Parker Messick pitches in the ACC, a highly-competitive conference, and has been nothing short of stellar in his first two seasons, pitching out of the bullpen in 2020 before transitioning to Friday night starter in 2021.
Here are Messick’s 2020 statistics in a relief role: 1-1, 11.2 IP, 0.77 ERA, 0.94 WHIP, 14.7 K/9, 1.5 BB/9, 0.8 HR/9
And here is his 2021 performance: 8-2, 90.0 IP, 3.10 ERA, 1.16 WHIP, 12.6 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, 0.6 HR/9
So how does a six-foot southpaw with that level of output not project as anything more than a mid-to-back of the rotation starter? He doesn’t, and anyone who writes such is wrong. I’ll try not to be too redundant here, but left-handers with advanced changeups and above-average command represent relatively safe prospect commodities and tend to reach the big leagues more quickly.” This year 133 2/3 IP in the minors with a 11.1 K/9, 3 BB/9, 2.83 ERA. Can’t imagine he has many innings left in the tank this year, but he looks like yet another great Guards starter. Um, except for the ones they have this year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Lou-Gu-Ju, my guy! [doorbell rings, opens door] Um, no, I’m sorry, I was exclaiming about Lourdes Gurriel Jr., not ordering moo goo gai pan.
Brandon Pfaadt – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.95. Nice start, and if you started him in your league, you need to have your marbles checked.
Johan Oviedo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50. In ten years, you’ll be able to say to someone, “Pirates kept Oviedo in the rotation over Bubba Chandler,” and that person will say, “I’m sorry, are you ready to order?” Freakin’ waiters in the future don’t have time for small talk! Any way, Oviedo is a streamer and Streamonator hates him, so [raspberries lips].
Chris Bassitt – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.18. If you were to remove his 2 IP, 8 ER start on 6/28 and his 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER start on 7/28, you’d have a better pitcher. I don’t know how much better, but better. And if he’s pitching on August 28th, run the other way!
George Springer – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games. Zombino, rise up! [hand pushes through soil]
Eric Lauer – Bumped to the bullpen this weekend. Ya know how sad it is when one of your better fantasy pitchers gets bumped to his team’s pen? Crying emoji that is sobbing and wailing and nearby emojis think they should call for help.
Tyler Stephenson – Hit the IL with a thumb fracture. That leaves thew Reds with Jose Trevino. Yes, the golfer.
Kenley Jansen – Dealing with a rib injury. That never stopped Adam! Jansen said he’s trying to avoid the IL, so Reid Detmers will be the closer the rest of the year for the Angels? Not so fast! Luis Garcia (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.57) got his 1st save, as Reid Detmers got the 8th. Hard to know why they’d go with Garcia other than a money decision, but I guess it’s a jump ball for now between Garcia and Detmers, and Garcia gets first, uh, tip? Yeah, I don’t know basketball.
Yusei Kikuchi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.42, vs. Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.59. This matchup was billed as, “Nickuchi! Crap, did I forget to feed my Tamagotchi pet in 1997?”
Hurston Waldrep – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.73. Took us three-quarters of a season–Did I say took us? More like Touki! Just absolutely demolishing expectations and there’s no rhyme or reason. Just good old fashioned Shroud of Touki stuff. So, Waldrep has a 8.8 K/9, 2.2 BB/9, 3.07 xFIP and out-performing his minor league season by a lot. What’s happening (RIP Dee), I think, is he has bad command, but MLB hitters aren’t familiar with that, so they’re chasing garbage. His splitter (everyone’s splitter) is excellent and causing lots of ground balls. It’s late in the year to abandon streaming for one guy, but Waldrep looks real, at least until hitters catch up to his lack of command.
Trent Grisham – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer. It started as a goof on Opening Day (and then the next day), when I said whoever hit leadoff for the Yankees would homer, but it doesn’t feel that goofy anymore. Clearly the Yankees are behind the Dodgers for the best leadoff hitter production because they have literally Ohtani, but they’re third best, and they’re the only team doing it with a bunch of schmohawks. (Number two is the DBacks, but that’s because of Corbin.)
Austin Wells – 2-for-4 and his 16th and 17th homer. He was the one who got the leadoff homer craze going back on Opening Day. I’ll never forget that, because he hit there all Spring, then succeeded on Opening Day, then Boone inexplicably moved him, never to return him there, which is legit funny.
Cam Schlittler – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Not too far off from doing what Waldrep is doing, but his command is wonky and it’s not hiding in plain sight. It’s very much there and makes him a little riskier. He’s The Riskler.
Bob Seymour – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st major league homer. I’m just happy for Bob. Bob does things Bob Way and Bob Way is okay with me.
Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Nobody be fussin’ with The ‘Mussen.
Kyle Tucker – Diagnosed with a hairline fracture in his hand back in June. Says that’s why he’s struggled. Oh, ya think?! Do ya think?! HAHAHAHA–[slowly morphs into The Joker]—HAHAHAHA–This feels a bit like a practical joke. His hand was broken? Yeah, that’s gonna affect things!
Matt Shaw – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 11th homer. A moment in my life: I have Shaw in one league, think he’s been okay, see he hits a homer, so that triggers me to look at what he’s done recently, as I do with all players. I see he’s done nothing for a while, contemplate dropping him but then realize he just homered. And start the cycle again in two weeks!
Jacob Misiorowski – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.19. Everyone’s league is different, but I don’t think you’re gonna lose much by dropping him. Not like he’s getting stretched out. They’re conserving him. Sean Penn in Haiti voice, “This is a conservation project.”
Shohei Ohtani – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.61. [ignoring his 50/20/.300 pace] Boy, this guy stinks! Seeing now, he took a comebacker off his leg and left the game. Quickly, join in a prayer hexagon!
Bailey Ober – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.05. A nearly identical jerko arc as Pfaadt. “Ooh, so exciting!….Oh, he stinks…Maybe he can be good…Oh, God, he’s awful…Yeah, I’m done with him this year.”
Tyler Soderstrom – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 23rd homer. The Sparkler! Feels like it’s been a while. [looks at player page] Nope! False alarm, he’s been fine.
Shea Langeliers – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, and 16th homer since the break. This guy thinks he’s Eugenio Suarez!
Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, 3rd homer in three games. Wow, he went from “Is he really better than Manzardo” to he might sneak into the top 75 of drafts.
Wyatt Langford – 2-for-2, 3 runs and his 18th homer. Since I was in that mindset, Wyatt needs to get to 25/20/.260 to not move dramatically down in next year’s drafts. He’s capable of getting to each of those, but he’s gonna have to have a hot final six weeks.
Gavin Sheets – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer. Also, in this game, Manny Machado (1-for-4) hit his 21st homer, Ryan O’Hearn (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 16th homer, and Fernando Tatis Jr. robbed a home run off Devers’s bat, saying, “I don’t understand homers, they scare me,” like the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.
Landen Roupp – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.80. So, he’s pitching without an arm or what?
Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 6.04. Sure, I mean, cool, but how can you trust him? I’d need to see it from now until his last start and then maybe I’d take a flyer next year.
Agustin Ramirez – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 8th and 9th steal. I usually hold updates like this for light schedule days because the roundups go long enough on busy days and now this is going longer, but nine steals in 102 games! He’s got a real chance for a 30/15 season next year. Zoinks!
Maximo Acosta – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Maximo Acosta took over for Giovanni Versace as lead designer–Hold on, ChatGPT, that’s not right! Maximo Acosta is the new Marlins’ 3rd baseman. Hit 12 homers in Triple-A in 106 games. Bleh! He stole 28 bags. Okay, I’m listening! He hit .232. Um, who is he, Marsee Part II: Moresee?
Willson Contreras – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .259. Seemingly, every day a different Cards’ catcher eligible player comes through. Dot dot dot. Because that describes everyone in their lineup.
Kodai Senga – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.58. Member when I was like, Senga’s a sell because his ERA is around 1.50, and people were like, “Nah, man, he’s different.” He’s got a 5.25 ERA in July and 5.21 ERA in August.
Brett Baty – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Josh Bell – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. He literally never homers once and then disappears for a week. He homers three times, then does that! So, he has two more homers this week in his bat. I’m giving actionable voodoo.
Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.32. Start like Framber’s today must give ExxonMobil PR guys agita.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.09. Streamonator has Morton going to Bing Bong next, and with apologies to the robot, I don’t trust anyone in that stadium. But Morton has been decent for streaming most of the season, after April.
Felix Bautista – Underwent shoulder surgery and will miss 2026. Brutal news for a guy who missed 2024, too. If you’re having Siri read you this post, that was not 20242 and you did not fall into a nearly eighteen-thousand-year coma. Yet!
Luis Castillo – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.57. That’s back-to-back poor outings and three of his last four. Tipping or dead arm? Ha, it’s literally first thing I think whenever a pitcher struggles. Wait, is it his mechanics?
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 39th homer. That’s his third homer in 72 ABs with the M’s. He’s become a 20-homer hitter in Seattle, once again.
Julio Rodriguez – 3-for-4 and his 25th homer. Ya know what is also comical about Michael Harris II being hailed as a guy that “figured it out” vs. just being hot? Everyone assumes JRod is a 2nd half hitter and “didn’t figure anything out.” Harris, how’sever? He is a .321 hitter in the 2nd half and a .243 hitter in the 1st half for his career! In the 2nd half of his career, he has 41 HRs. In almost 200 MORE at-bats in the 1st half, he has 28 HRs. People just want to believe in some nonsense narrative. (Which is what I’m doing about 1st half and 2nd half? Oh shut up!)
Max Kepler – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer. Almost picked him up this game but went with Nathan Lukes instead (0-for-3). An emoji side-eyeing me.
Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 45th homer. You know I love Ohtani, but why not Schwarber for NL MVP? Things that make you go hmm.
Trea Turner – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, 30th and 31st steal, hitting .301. Phils recorded 21 hits on Tuesday and 20 hits on Wednesday. This is the 1st time in baseball history a team had 20 or more hits in back-to-back games. They should put that factoid on Energizer batteries as like a, “Cheer up, don’t throw us,” warning.
Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.10. Jesus is so perfectly named. If you roster him, he throws the worst game you could ever imagine and you mutter, “Jesus.” If you don’t roster him, he throws a great game, and you shake your head and mutter, “Jesus.” Gonna have bumper stickers made, “Jesus: The perfect anecdote to a nice day.” Then explain to everyone who gets mad, I’m talking about Luzardo and fantasy baseball.
