I might have to make an executive decision and not feature anymore pitchers vs. the Rockies. It’s similar to how I don’t feature hitting performances when they’re in Coors. So, we’ll make a blood pact. If a guy pitches well, and it’s vs. the Rockies, then some ground rules for it to be a lede: It’s gotta be a complete game. Ten or more strikeouts. An ERA overall under 3.50, so it’s not just a “vs. Rockies” start, and, finally, don’t feed them after midnight. If you go back on this, there’s gonna be serious consequences, according to the 98-year-old Asian man at the pet store that sold me this very cute thing I have giving me a pedicure with its teeth. Eat your heart out, Quentin Tarantino! Yesterday, Brayan Bello managed to meet the “vs. Rockies requirements.” He went 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.27. And his peripherals look like trash — 6.9 K/9, 3.6 BB/9, 4.23 xFIP, but he does throw a ton of ground balls (53.1%) and his Hard Contact is close to excellent. So, weak contact into the dirt and I can understand how he’s succeeding, and why it will continue. Hehe, that tickles, Gizmo. What, you want a donut? Okay, it’s only 12:01 AM. What could it hurt?! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trevor Story – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .252. My kingdom for Trevor Story on my teams instead of Grounder Henderson. Oh my God, what am I saying?
Jarren Duran – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting out of the 7-hole, which is blowing things out of proportion by Cora. I get it, Duran’s struggled, but does Cora not have loyalty to anything but his Apple Watch?
Hunter Goodman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .280. If it wasn’t for Cal Raleigh, Goodman would easily be the best catcher.
Sal Frelick – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. I have no idea how that homer got out. I was watching it, but I think they lowered the fences at the last second or something. It was like I was watching Magic TikTok. Something was going on there.
Jacob Misiorowski – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.81. I’m sorry this guy is just special. We see guys come up all the time, but this guy isn’t just a Guy Coming Up. He’s Up.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3 and his 31st homer, a new record for Dodgers before the break. Okay, twist my arm, he’s kinda special too.
Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Okay, fine! He’s special too. But that’s it!
Alexis Diaz – Was recalled. The good news for the people who drafted him is our fantasy football tools are up and running!
Jack Flaherty – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.70. Ya know who’s going to be a top five starter next year? Oh, hell yeah! Everyone’s gonna be out on Flaherty next year and that’s when he’s going to have a 100-straight scoreless innings. Just incredibly predictable.
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-2 and his 21st homer. A 34-homer, .235 pace with zero speed is solid, but a poke in the midsection and he misses the flight, goes to 27 homers and meh or tweak in the schnoozola, average falls to .215 and bleh.
Colt Keith – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .269, 2nd homer in two gamers, hitting leadoff, and that’s a hot schmotato alert!
Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.32. His peripherals look fine if slightly unspectacular, but “fine if slightly unspectacular” wakes up at 6 AM and takes the kids to practice on a Saturday. Stop chasing upside!
Jonathan Aranda – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .321. That’s American League All-Star Jonathan Aranda, and I’m not sure if I’m joking or serious. I think serious.
Nick Martinez – 5 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 4.85. Hello, Grubhub? Yeah, someone left a bag of poop on my fantasy team. I did not order this. Throw it away? Can someone come by and pick it up? I don’t want to touch it.
Matt McLain – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Had two hits in July prior to last night, and is barely hitting above .200 on the year. So, yeah, not great, Bob!
Eury Perez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.00. After his last start, I warned about how he lacks consistency. Well, here’s mud in my eye! That’s a start of, uh, consecutive starts! Streamonator loves his next one and I’m ready to giddy up.
Oneil Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .203. Can’t believe he’s so valuable for fantasy and a hiccup from hitting the break with a sub-.200 average.
Nick Gonzales – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. I have my monocle tightly affixed for a schmotato here, but to say he’s done nothing is insulting nothing. Don’t insult nothing. Insult something. Anything.
Mitch Keller – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.58 vs. Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.67. This matchup was brought to you by the people at Underrated. “At Underrated, everyone is underrated outside those doors, but here, at Underrated, you’re rated. Hmm, maybe we should change our name?”
Jac Caglianone – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Get hot Jac and make your papa, Soppressata, and mother, Goomada, happy.
Cam Devanney – Was called up by the Royals from Omaha. Hope he said goodbye to Warren Buffett and Alexander Payne. They’re the only two people who live there now. Devanney went 18/3/.272 in 246 Triple-A at-bats, that’s a breakout or is it a Quad-A player, let’s see his age, welp, he’s 28. That’s Quad-A, until we see different.
Nick Loftin – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in two games. Nick B. Loftin! I guess schmotato, but pretty meh.
Logan Gilbert – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.88. Guy leaves April with an elbow issue. Magically appears in June looking awful. Hunh, wonder what could be wrong?
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. This home run came in Yankee Stadium in the Bronx, where they will now rate and review Cal Raleigh’s butt compared to J. Lo. There’s an app for it, the J. Lo vs. Dat Thang App.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. As a fan without the fantasy, I really hope he gets to 500 homers.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 34th homer. Someone take that spinning sandwich board out of Roger Maris Jr.’s hands, we’re gonna need him again.
Austin Wells – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, 3rd homer in three games. Wells, Wells, Wells…One for each homer this week.
Will Warren – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.70. Has a 3+ run differential between home and away. So, now ya know.
Lawrence Butler – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 12th and 13th homer, one inside and one outside the park. Traded him away last week for Michael Busch. Needed power and had speed. Oh, I didn’t get any of those Busch homers last week, and now missing these Butler homers. Why is this happening? Was I evil in a former life?
Brent Rooker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Meh, whatever, no one cares.
Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 3rd homer in a week and that’s all in 50 games total. Not a bad pace for a rookie. I love Ma’s Muncy!
Jeffrey Springs – 6 IP, 1 Er, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.92.Well, sure, he was going against the “This ain’t your slightly older brother’s 2023 Braves.”
Nick Kurtz – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. Okay, I like him a lot too. I never thought we’d be here, but I am an A’s fan once again.
Robbie Ray – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Saw he had a no-hitter through, I think, it was two innings, and I was thinking maybe, well, ya never know. It ended up, “It’s not as bad as how I thought Jose Soriano had a no-hitter going early on.”
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (28) and legs (9), hitting .254. He’s not just dusting Bryce Harper in fantasy value, it’s not particularly close. Harper’s barely treading water around 200th overall on the Player Rater, Schwarber is top 10 overall.
Jordan Romano – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.44. Good on the Phils keeping the closerousel going each month with God-awful closer after closer. Why was Romano even in the game for the save? Every mid-month the Phils have to change their closer, so they were getting Romano ready to suck again.
Nick Pivetta – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.07. From the files of Shizz That Don’t Show Up In The Box Score, he struck out Jose Herrera on, like, five strikes, but the ump missed multiple calls, then Herrera doubled, and Corbin Carroll, the next batter, hit a home run, only it was robbed by Merrill. Whole thing could’ve swung a different way.
Luis Arraez – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .293. Noice! Now if he hits 17 homers by the break, my 1st baseman problems are solved.
Merrill Kelly – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Elias Sports Bureau said Jackson Merrill vs. Merrill Kelly was the first time that sorta thing’s happened since Babe Ruth faced a babe Ruth at a Fatty Arbuckle party.
Jose Soriano – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.00. Well, he looked good through two innings. [dodges thrown rotten tomato] What? I’m just relaying facts!
Corey Seager – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Not trying to be greedy (yes, I am), but why did Bochy in his grand dome think it was smart to remove Seager early? He could’ve faced a position player pitching, as both Wyatt Langford (2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, 14th homer) and Jake Burger (3-for-5, 4 RBIs, 11th homer) got to face Kevin Newman.
Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.62. Again with stank, he has a 1.62 ERA!
Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-2 and his 12th homer, hitting .226. Since I was at the Player Rater for Bryce Harper (in Schwarber’s blurb), I noticed Lars was next to him. [waves hand in front of nose] Stinky.
Brendan Donovan – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. The problem with BDon is his hatred of Bo Bichette–Sorry, problem with BDonovan is zero speed and very little power.
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.51 vs. Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.78. This matchup was billed as, “Sonny and too many shares, I’m singing I Got You, Babe to Gray and Irvin.”
Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.21. What if I said I didn’t want any regression? What would that look like?
Josh Hader – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.38. Guess he’s not sneaking into the Cy Young convo.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (16) and double legs (23, 24), 2nd homer in two games, and clearly bothered that I said he was doing worse this year than Bobby Witt Jr. Guess it could’ve been worse, he could’ve punched me like I was Tim Anderson.
Angel Martinez – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, as he hit a grand slam off of Josh Hader. Going into this game, Hader was in the top 25 of all-time for reliever seasons on the Historical Player Rater. Angel gave that narrative wings.
Shota Imanaga – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 2.80. Hey, I’m all for throwing to contact, but dubya tee eff. Saw his peripherals and I did a spit take and the spit spelled out REGRESSION. Is that a bad omen?
Simeon Woods Richardson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Lack of hyphens throws me off with this guy. Is it Simeon Woods or Woods Richardson? Maybe he needs an Oxford comma. So, streamed him in a few leagues, because the Streamonator said he was getting two starts. Oh, yeah, iffy starts, but in some leagues beggars does not equal choosers.
Harrison Bader – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (8), 2nd homer in two games, third homer this week. Bader’s been a July darling like Me And You And Everyone We Know.
Willi Castro – 1-for-4, and his 8th homer, hitting .269, as he hit third yesterday. You wanna see manic? Look at a Twins hitter’s splits for where they hit in the lineup. No one stays anywhere in the lineup, except Buxton.
Sean Manaea – Could return on Sunday. Guess I’ll send him a “maybe aloha.” This is a surprising development as last I heard he had elbow issues. I’m intrigued if he’s healthy, and would stash him now.
Jackson Holliday – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and two day in a row I’m already excited about him for next year. Choo, choo! Hype train! Coming through!
Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Albombso!
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Wonder if the O’s regret moving the fences in. Feels like a “What were we doing?” in retrospect.
Ronny Mauricio – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer. Between Baty, Vientos, Francisco Alvarez, and now Mauricio, I’m not sure the Mets can develop hitters. Pitchers? Oh heck yeah! Hitters though? I don’t know. Alonso turned out well, but some of these guys are bad.
Clay Holmes – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.29. Here’s something that no one ever talks about in the preseason. You can draft a guy like Holmes, get three solid months from him, then drop him and grab someone else. Oh, in related news, Holmes is supposedly piggybacking with Manaea. I’d wait to see how the first game under new piggy rules plays out.
Kodai Senga – Sounds like he’ll start on Friday. Currently working on the top 100 for the 2nd half which will be out next Tuesday (this Friday on Patreon) and I considered Senga, and maybe he sneaks in if Friday’s start is excellent. It’s now up to you, Kodai! (He absolutely cares.)
Davis Schneider – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, 3rd homer in a week. Schneimotato, but, really, all Jays are. The team’s smoking hot, turn on the fan.
Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-2 as he was activated from the IL. Contenders are currently scouting him for a deadline trade. Enthusiasm for Luis Robert Jr. is so high that the Dodgers sent a scarecrow wearing a whistle around its neck.
