Before the season, I took my Brandon Woodruff expectations out behind the barn, administered them their Last Rites, then I put them down. Went inside and gathered Ma and Baby Jethro and told them there won’t be anymore Brandon Woodruff expectations around these parts anymore. Baby Jethro cried in my arms and Ma said, “Brandon Woodruff’s expectations had another good year in them, why you’d kill them?” And I patted her on her head, real patronizing-like, and she said, “Don’t patronize me,” and I told her I wasn’t. But Ma was right again. Yesterday, Brandon Woodruff went 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, as he touched 96 MPH on his fastball. So, that’s shocking. He came back from a major surgery that was as rare as it was lacking positive results. As the sign on a brothel says, therein lies the rub. There weren’t a lot of positive outcomes from this shoulder surgery, but there weren’t a lot of outcomes, period. Yesterday, he showed his pinpoint command he always possessed, but rejuvenated stuff that I didn’t think we’d see again. Incredibly impressed and I’d be in everywhere. Guess I have to go dig up those expectations and breathe some new life into them. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Rhys Hoskins – Hit the IL with a thumb sprain. So, that’s where thumbkin is.
Jackson Chourio – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, Jack-Chou, God bless you!
Edward Cabrera – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.33. His ERA since April is, like, under 2. And his next start will be for the…Dodgers? Mets? Cubs?
Heriberto Hernandez – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Fun fact! His social media bio says Him/Heriberto.
Clarke Schmidt – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. Taking a magic marker to every car with the appropriate bumper sticker and changing it to Schmidt Happens.
Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.30. The best is gonna be on July 30th when the Yankees are like, “We feel good with the team we have. We don’t need to add anyone at the deadline.”
Jeimer Candelario – Signed with the Yanks. Oh, I take it back! Now, the Yankees are ready for the playoffs!
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Making the perfect baseball player, so I’m taking Aaron Judge’s arms, Cal Raleigh’s ass and Elly’s legs, and–crap, a gust of wind just tipped him over. Little help here!
Austin Wells – 2-f0r-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, as he hits 8th. Making a note to myself to tell people excited next March about (player) hitting leadoff in March that Wells hit leadoff on Opening Day and exactly one more time. And he homered one of those times and it made no difference.
Frankie Montas – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.14. Streamonator hates his next one, and I hope he’s okay, because I have to start him in one league. Yes, this is about me!
Michael Busch – 2-for-3, 1 run, and 4 homers this weekend. Listen to this kick in the grapes, I traded for Busch last week, and the trade didn’t go through until today. All those sweet homers? Not on my team! The other guy had a Shock & Awe’s worth of bombs voyage.
Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .263 and his MLB-leading 77th RBIs. Sure glad I only rostered him in leagues last year. Well played!
Matthew Boyd – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.52. I know he bounced a bit before clicking, but, holy crap, he’s 34 years old. Kershaw’s only three years older than him.
Ranger Suarez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunner, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.99. “He was pulled at 80 pitches, because he was at 6 Ks, and his prop bet was at 6.5.” That’s Luis L. Ortiz guest-blogging for us.
Wyatt Langford – as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Had a fireworks mishap this weekend and I burned the area directly around my butthole. I’m okay, but I can’t sit down.”
Matt Chapman – 0-for-5 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “If there’s a 20-count box of Chapstick that shows up at the front desk, that’s mine. Also related to the fireworks mishap.”
Hayden Birdsong – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Sorry, five walks in five innings is “making Birdsong out of bird crap.”
Willy Adames – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .226. “That’s a Willy dong!” Thankfully, that wasn’t what the kid pointed and screamed when Free Willy soared over him.
Tyler Soderstrom – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Soder pop!
Jacob Lopez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.26. I would start the guy with eight Ks in just over four innings who is a hard-luck loser, while the other guy walks five and gets away scot-free.
Luis Severino – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.30. His pitching was affected by a sandwich board he was wearing that read, “Please trade for me.”
Joe Boyle – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, as he was recalled to act as a Bulk Guy behind Drew Rasmussen (2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.82) who no longer throws more than two innings as the Rays conserve his innings, which I’m sure is going to work out great next year when he hasn’t thrown a full start in 18 months. So, drop Rasmussen and pick up Boyle. But first, a word on Boyle. He had 73 IP in Triple-A with a 1.85 ERA and I don’t know why he was in Triple-A. He’s 25 years old. Trade him to a team that needs pitching or something. Teams are dumb, my goodness. Boyle has no command, so he’s a bit risky, but he could have a 11+ K/9 this year. Should be rostered in most leagues.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (20) and legs (16). Buxton getting that forever-promised, always-elusive 25/25 season at 31 is a hat tip to William Goldman’s no one knows anything.
Harrison Bader – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 3rd homer in three games, and is clearly a hot schmotato, but Baldelli also refuses to start him every day, so Sunday’s homer was a pinch-hit jobber.
Mickey Moniak – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (13) and legs (5), hitting .257. Perfect timing as I celebrate MidDependence Weekend.
Michael Toglia – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Went to look at what he did this past week on one of the teams where I have him, and it was good enough where I decided not to drop him. Ringing endorsement!
Riley Greene – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .286. Saw the Tigers/Guards were in a 1-1 tie in the 10th, clicked off the game for five minutes, clicked back and the Tigers were up by, like, six. Bad day to quit barbiturates and roster Cade Smith.
Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.02. Currently working on the top 100 for the 2nd half that’ll come out next week (and this Friday on Patreon) and Skubal’s prolly gonna sneak in.
Casey Mize – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.63 vs. Logan Allen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.07. This matchup was billed as, “Both Guards and Tigers seemed incapable of scoring a run this weekend until extras.”
Gavin Williams – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 BBs, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.61. He has a 5.1 BB/9. Over 3 is a concern. Over 4 is scary and possibly droppable, though can be offset by a ton of strikeouts. Again, Gavin’s is over 5! And he’s only at a 8.8 K/9.
Lane Thomas – Hit the IL with plantar fasciitis, which hurts to have almost as much to spell. Yes, think of me.
Teoscar Hernandez – Undergoing imaging on his foot after fouling a ball off it. Let’s join in a prayer hexagon that this is nothing serious.
Emmet Sheehan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.00, as he was recalled. Here’s what I said last time he was called up in June, “Bluntly, he looks electric. He has hideous command prior to Tommy John surgery, and that usually affects a pitcher’s command in a negative way at first, so, yeah, I didn’t rush out to add Sheehan anywhere, but I can see it now. He looks just flat-out dominant.” And that’s me quoting me! Can’t believe I said “Bluntly, he looks electric,” and didn’t start calling him Vape. Losing it, Grey, losing it! I still like Sheehan a lot, but I do think there’s risk here.
Christian Walker – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, 2nd homer this weekend, and, apparently, he’d be a 50-homer hitter if he called Dodger Stadium home, even though the Crawford Boxes in The Radish Box are right there!
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, 4th homer this weekend. Astros were in their throwback uniforms this weekend, way back to 2017. Wink, wink.
Yainer Diaz – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hey, in that Titanic song, was Celine Dion singing, “Yainer and far?”
Paul Skenes – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.94. You can almost hear the ovation now for when Skenes returns to Pittsburgh as a 39-year-old, after 10 years with the Yankees.
George Kirby – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.22. Get your hands inside the Buy Low window, it’s gonna close abruptly.
Randy Arozarena – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer, hitting .249, 2nd homer in three games and 4th homer this week, and 6th homer dating back to June 30th, and 7th homer dating back to June 10th, okay, it’s not impressive anymore.
Austin Hays – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Incredibly, there wasn’t an IL stint between those homers.
Chase Burns – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 8.10. Really showcases the uniqueness of Skenes’s rookie year. It is very hard for a starter to get the call up and, well, answer the call. I’d give Burns another start on my fantasy team, but likely on my bench in most mixed leagues.
Zack Wheeler – 9 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.17. Just imagined if the Mets held Wheeler and deGrom and this must be what it’s like for Mr. Met seeing Mrs. Met stepping out of the shower and getting into the loving arms of the Phanatic.
Gary Sanchez – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. Well, the O’s can’t refuse to bring up Samuel Basallo now. There’s just no way. He’s 20 years old with a .920 OPS in Triple-A with 16 homers in 57 games. That’s the kind of life they need pumped into their team dynamic for the 2nd half–Forget it, they brought up Alex Jackson, the journeyman who never was.
Jackson Holliday – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. I’m beginning to ramp up my enthusiasm for him in 2026. Prepare for lots of Roman Holliday puns with him and Anthony.
Trevor Rogers – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.57. Gave you a Trevor Rogers fantasy about two weeks ago, and there I said to add him in shallower mixed leagues. Nothing’s changed but the date.
Sean Murphy – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, and just missed a 2nd homer, also had another homer a few days ago. Currently blowing away Ozzie Albies on the Player Rater. Though, that is mostly because Ozzie quit baseball to join the circus, because he’s a freakin’ clown.
Grant Holmes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Said last time he pitched there were very few leagues where he shouldn’t be rostered. He’s been solid, including Looking Unkempt, if that’s a category in your league.
Pavin Smith – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Bummer for the fantasy baseballer who picked up in April and fell into a coma. Though, they might have bigger worries right now.
Corbin Carroll – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. He spent a minimum amount of time on the IL with a wrist fracture. Homeboy’s got Predator blood. Love the dedication to making Yordan look like a Big Baby who should have a bib and pacifier, but I almost worry this is too fast. I know, I seem ungrateful like I can’t ever be happy, but this feels like something where we look back in September and say, “Yeah, Corbin shouldn’t have returned so fast.”
Ryne Nelson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Underlying stats look like he’s a solid back-end starter for a deeper mixed league, that is overperforming his stats a bit with the ERA. Mostly just a 4 ERA guy that is getting lucky this year, after being unlucky with a 4.24 ERA last year. Balances, the universe does, Yoda.
Michael Wacha – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.83. Unlike teammate Lugo, Wacha is not matchup-proof, and Streamonator hates his next one too.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. Hasn’t even really got going yet, and he’s still hovering around a top 20 overall season, i.e., I don’t want to hear you b’ing and m’ing about him!
Salvador Perez – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. He should Jeff Gillooly Cal Raleigh to save his home run record for a catcher.
Michael Lorenzen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.61. This was only in 82 pitches, likely because Matt Quatraro, the ugliest manager in baseball as voted on by players and fans, thought, “Holy crap, this guy’s pitches are as ugly as my face, I need to get him out while he’s still good.” I’m guessing here.
Andres Gimenez – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain. Bad news for the Jays and his owners. Good news for the Jays’ equipment manager because his replacement is Jimenez.
Bo Bichette – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, as he hit cleanup, which I was going to comment on, but he’s more capable of cleanup than Vlad Jr. Maybe Springer has more of a claim, but can’t hate him hitting 2nd, and the rest of the Jays’ lineup is incredibly meh for a team that just took over the lead in the AL East. They have Straw hitting 7th and multiple guys who could be scarecrows, who stand in the batter’s box just to get the pitchers to throw strikes.
Mike Trout – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .231. Sell! No, seriously.
Shinnosuke Ogasawara – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER as he made his MLB debut. Here’s what I said this preseason, “Signed with the Nats out of Japan. Saw one site say he profiled similarly to Shota Imanaga, and I was like, “Welp, gonna have to rank him somewhere in the top 50 starters,” then I looked at his stats last year in Japan — 144 1/3 IP, 82 Ks — and I got mad for that other site wasting my time. Number one rule of fantasy analyst’ing is A) Make up words. B) Don’t waste people’s time. C) There’s no C. I remember reading a book about then-Rockets’ GM, Daryl Morey, and he told his scouts if you compare one player to another player, you can’t compare him to another player of the same race. Shinnosuke is as similar to Shota as I am to Leo DiCaprio. He was not ranked in the top 120 starters for me.” And that’s me quoting me!
Ceddanne Rafaela – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .264, 2nd homer in two games. Continues to hit 9th for some unknown reason, but seems like a hot schmotato.
Trevor Story – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in three games, 3rd homer in a week, currently hitting over .500 in July and that’s after a great June (5 HRs, 4 SBs, 23 RBIs, .286). Zombinos chomp on pitchers’ brain custard and must avoid stiffness, except in their outstretched arms.
Masataka Yoshida – Red Sox said he will return before the All-Star break. Wonder how many games he plays with the Red Sox before they trade for literally anything. If they got *that* for Devers, they’re about to get cash considerations for Yoshida, and the cash is gonna be whatever is in the owner’s wallet where he’s going at the time of the transaction. Should be on live TV like a game show. “We’re here with the Mariners owner and he’s about to open his wallet to see what the Red Sox got for Yoshida…Ooh, $47 dollars! Not bad, I’m sure John Henry could use that!”
