Andrew Vaughn (3-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 10th homer) left the White Sox and he’s like a newly divorced man of 60 who has given up on love, when he wanders into a brewery, meets a large-headed Brewer named Bernie and remembers what it was about baseball that he once loved. He smiles again, and it’s like it’s for the first time. Sometimes, Vaughn smiles and it hurts his cheeks, it’s been so long. Occasionally, Vaughn will find himself skipping, humming, “I love a parade.” Who is this man, he wonders, as he catches a glimpse of himself smiling in the mirror. A man who looks 45 years his senior from his long, hard years on the White Sox. The Brewers’ Vaughn has been obscene: .375 average, 5 HRs, 21 RBIs, 1.210 OPS in 15 games. Silly. But that’s what love will do. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jackson Chourio – 2-for-3, 1 run, but pulled up lame on a triple. No! No! No! Ja-Chou! Sadly, “God bless you.”
Quinn Priester – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Brewers could turn Sonny Gray into Always Sonny.
Nico Hoerner – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .293. That’s making me Hoernery, baby, yay!
Ian Happ – Hit the IL after fouling a ball off his shin. Too bad, so sad. Being called up in his place will be Moises Ballesteros, who is the Cubs’ Moises who doesn’t urinate on himself. Moises’ Triple-A stats look awesome (9/4/.331 in 85 games), but prolly only interesting in NL-Only leagues, or two -catcher leagues, if he has catcher eligibility.
Alex Freeland – Called up by the Dodgers. Stop me if you’ve heard this before: Dodgers’ top–Okay, stopped. We’re to believe every Dodgers’ prospect is excellent or the Dodgers are paying scouts money under the table to say their prospects are great, so they could trade them. This is the one conspiracy theory I believe. This is my Qanon. Call it DrivelineAnon. In Triple-A, Freeland went 12/17/.253 with a 22.1% strikeout rate, which makes me think he’s gonna hit .210 with some speed and power that won’t translate to the majors. But he’s considered a top prospect! Right, so the Pirates trade for him with Bednar! I know this trick! I am prospect-pilled!
Tommy Edman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Thought he was going to the IL and that was why Freeland was called up. Now I think Freeland was called up simply to pretend to other teams he’s MLB-ready for a trade. Sounds better if, say, the Pirates are like, “We just traded for a Dodgers’ top prospect who was just called up.” Maybe, I don’t know.
Alex Vesia – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.42, and his 4th save. Not a bad grab if he’s getting saves, but I’d be shocked if he is by Friday.
Nick Lodolo – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Just gave you my Nick Lodolo fantasy. I am a freaky-ass fan. This start was vs. Tyler Glasnow – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.15, and Lodolo looked like Glasnow, but didn’t look like Cillian Murphy. Weird!
Jake Fraley – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Also, in this game, Noelvi Marte (1-for-3) hit his 7th homer. Better to be with a Fraley/Marte than a Fradey cat! Bam! High five! No? You’re absolutely right, that was awful. Fraley was actually a guy I grabbed this past weekend, because of the Hitter-Tron. (Then benched him, lol, sonavabench!)
Troy Johnston – 1-for-2, 1 run as he was called up by the Marlins. This rather innocuous bit of news sent me on a wild goose chase around the internet reading about former minority owner and Yankee, Derek Jeter; former Marlins President and Survivor David Samson; former GM Kim Ng, and owner, Bruce Sherman. I’ve convinced myself that Sherman needs to go. He can’t afford a team; he shouldn’t have been allowed to purchase it. Though, no one I mentioned here is without fault. Any hoo! Troy Johnston, who sounds like he hangs with Troy McClure, was called up to DH, so Liam Hicks can strictly back up Agustin, because Nick Fortes was traded. Johnston had a line of 12/31/.252 in 84 games with a 19.2% strikeout rate, and that reminds me of Freeland. That is some weak-sister contact but has speed for NL-Only. Whatever happened to Deyvison De Los Santos? The people clamor for info.
Sandy Alcantara – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.36. Now he suddenly wants off the Marlins!
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.38. At home vs. the Marlins, and that’s what you do? You’re embarrassing Grey/ays everywhere!
Byron Buxton – Hit the IL with “It truly is amazing he lasted this long into the season. For once, celebrate the positives.” Seems likely to miss around two weeks.
Brandon Pfaadt – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.11. Pfaadt boy is back! And you know he’s always gonna be whack!
Riley Greene -3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer. Also, in this game, Zach McKinstry (2-for-5, 4 RBIs) hit his 9th homer and Gleyber Torres (2-for-5) hit his 11th homer. Somebody loves them some Pfaadt meatballs!
Casey Mize – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.43. Hinch pulled him fast (well, after 59 pitches) when Mize clearly didn’t have his best stuff. Good for those of you that started him. Better that than a blowup, but now that’s four straight terrible starts, and he clearly has a dead arm.
Rich Hill – Designated for assignment. Sad news, but more time for Matlock.
Vinnie Pasquantino – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. He’s gonna end with 25-28 homers and, I gotta say, as someone who rostered him all year, he’s pretty effin’ boring. The Italian thing is fun, but I’m not rostering him because he knows good from bad chicken parm. That’s not even a thing! All chicken parm is good!
Erick Fedde – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.33 as he started for the Braves for the first time. Touki Fedde, you are not.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – Hit the IL with an Achilles injury, and will go for an MRI today. I have tightness in my chest. I need to sit down. Please don’t be a serious injury. I’m trying to amass joy in my life, not lose it!
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Reminds me of what they say about why prospects in the Dominican swing at everything. If you want off the island, you have to hit your way. If Ozuna wants off the Braves? Gotta start hitting!
Austin Riley – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Well, I don’t know if he can hit his way off the Braves. He could hit his way into the top 100 of 2026 drafts though.
Michael Harris II – 3-for-5, 1 run. Been meaning to say this, but Harris changed his swing and looks way better of late, if you can buy him.
Trevor Story – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. I walk into the ocean, muttering, “I could’ve drafted Story instead of Gunnar.”
Jarren Duran – 2-for-4 and a slam (10) and legs (18). Can I be honest with you? Oh well, I will anyway. Red Sox are idiots if they trade Duran. They keep developing great bats and trading them away. It’s very dumb.
Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.80. After two straight stinkers, this start had me worried, but Giolito set things back to right. “Set things back to right” sounds like Matchbox Twenty lyrics. I am so sorry.
Aroldis Chapman – 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.29, as he got the save. So, that whole is it or is it not Jordan Hicks thing? Yeah, it’s over.
Brooks Lee – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer. He had a big hit on Monday and big game on Tuesday. Hot schmotato alert!
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer. General Schwarbomber, at your service, protecting God, country and leads!
Jesus Luzardo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.31. This could’ve been a 3 IP, 7 ER start or what he did. There’s no way of knowing.
Brandon Marsh – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I’d bet someone — no, not you Clase! — that Marsh hits 10-14 homers this year. So, he’s got six to ten in his bat.
Lenyn Sosa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. If Lenyn gets more homers than Gunnar this year, I cannot be held liable for what I might do.
Sean Manaea – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.08. He reminds me of Seth Lugo, in that people constantly underrate him. Rate him or give him to me!
Juan Soto – Left the game after fouling a ball off his foot. Quickly, join hands into a prayer hexagon.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .301. Macho, Macho Machado!
Liover Peguero – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he plays shortstop for the Pirates. You’ll never be Adam Frazier, they say in the Pirates’ front office, as they’re completely divorced from reality and somehow go out and acquire Adam Frazier every year. Liover Peguero has solid power, speed and makes good contact (5/8, 19.8% K% in 72 Triple-A games), and can’t seem to get an everyday playing job in Pittsburgh. Maybe he does now, and I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues.
Bailey Falter – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.73 vs. Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.53. Verlander should’ve had in his contract, “If you’re worse than Bailey Falter by the end of July, you’ll retire.”
Willy Adames – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer. That’s a big fly for Willy. Hey now!
Luis Garcia Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. In the box score, I’m looking at Garcia, but I’m only seeing CJ Abrams with three more steals (24, 25, 26).
Yainer Diaz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, and his 14th homer, hitting .249. Yainer’s gonna end the year with 20 homers, and I’m gonna shrug when people ask me why people wanted to drop him.
Jacob Wilson – Hit the IL with a fractured forearm. Wonder how many times in the past one ROY candidate went down to make his teammate the new, presumptive ROY favorite.
Brent Rooker – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .272. That’s his 1st homer of the 2nd half because he’s a bum! I’m kidding. Technically, the A’s are unhoused.
Shea Langeliers – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, and four homers in five games. I was at the Statcast Park Factors the other day looking at T-Mobile for Naylor and I noticed Bing Bong Stadium isn’t actually as goofy as I thought. Sure. it’s a little goofy, but Dodger Stadium is actually the best park for power. Though, Bing Bong is 2nd for runs, behind Coors.
Kyle Higashioka – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th and 6th homer. The two-homer night for the guy rostered in .1% of leagues. Noice!
Joe Boyle – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.82. Pressed my luck a bit and got a dancing Whammy that was extra spiteful. Shouldn’t have started him in Yankee Stadium, and I’m holding for another start; Streamonator is even a little positive on his next one, but it’s not easy either.
Jonathan Aranda – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Okay, but his home run came in that goofy stadium the Yankees play in.
Anthony Volpe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (12). He’s going to get the world’s worst 20/20 season, isn’t he? With apologies to Krispie Young.
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. Also, in this game, Jasson Dominguez (2-for-4, 1 run, 16th steal), Volpe and Austin Wells (0-for-3, 2 runs, 4th and 5th steal) stole bags, which is legit hilarious since the Rays were starting their new catcher, Nick Fortes. But, hey, Fortes is cheaper and a good framer! (So call Aaron Brothers.)
Max Fried – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.62. After four straight iffy starts, it’s nice to see him get on track, because he’s my favorite player, obviously. Big Fried fan. I call donuts Fried dough, and people are like, “Freed dough? What’s that mean?”
Kyle Manzardo – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer. Guardians’ bullpen seemed to be extra jubilant when the second homer landed screaming, “Over! Over!” They must’ve meant over the fence.
Logan Allen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Excellent start, but it was a Streamonator special as it was vs. the Rockies.
Michael Toglia – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Also, in this game, Jordan Beck (1-for-3) hit his 12th homer, and Kyle Farmer (1-for-4) hit his 5th homer. While no homer, Warming Bernabel (2-for-4) had two hits. Do I just love the Warming Bernabel name? Yes, I do.
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-7, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 4th homer in four games. What if he never stopped homering? Would that be something that interested you?
Ramon Urias – 4-for-8, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer. Kinda puts Tyler O’Neill’s season in perspective when Ramon Urias has more homers. Granted, it’s in almost twice as many at-bats.
Gunnar Henderson – 4-for-8, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. [places handkerchief to forehead] A homer? Imma sorry, but I’m feeling like Imma faint. Please dial my emergency contact. Yes, it’s Yankee Stadium’s number, ask for Giancarlo.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.42, but season-long ERA is misleading. He was excellent for the last two months, minus two starts ago. Streamonator even kinda likes his next one, but that might change if he’s traded, which he should be.
Joey Loperfido – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in a week and, brucely, I’m not sure the Jays can do anything wrong right now. (Yes, I know they were swept yesterday, but I’m talking big picture.)
Addison Barger – 3-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. He has six homers in July, while hitting near-.290. That’s a top 10 outfielder month.
Seranthony Dominguez – Traded to the Jays. When asked who would close for the Orioles, the front office said that starting today, they’re done winning games this year. Though, if you’re desperate, I’d go Yennier Cano. Yesterday, Corbin Martin (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.23) got the first post-Seranthony save, but Cano had thrown in the 1st game. Though, Corbin’s save had a degree of difficulty, and, with that degree, Corbin Martin graduates! Corbin Martin graduates! On a side note, yes, I am pissed off that O’s didn’t use Seranthony Dominguez in Game 1, so then he could’ve pitched for the Jays in Game 2 for the ever-elusive Joel Youngblood. As the summer heat begins to drag into the so-called dog days of summer, the people long for one thing and one thing only. No, not a refreshening cocktail. No, not even a mojito. The people long for another Joel Youngblood.
